584. - Heather McMahan

All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Stateside with Kai and Carter, a new podcast from The Guardian. And they are using this podcast to slow down the news and wrestle with the questions that we all have about what's happening in the world. And they do it three times a week, Jason. Does that sound familiar to you? We don't really talk about, you know, a lot of international global news items and climates and cultures and sports and things like that. We do talk about fashion and wellness, but for everything else, Kai and Carter are a great place. All right, so who couldn't use more news? Listen wherever you get your podcast. or watch on YouTube. Horrible day in Los Angeles. The rain is coming down. God has opened up the clouds and just pissed all over our beautiful city. It's only a little. I'm not doing great. It's not a little. It's an absolute downpour. And it is affecting my mood, if I'm being honest with you. Well, of course the bad weather is going to affect your mood. You still were able to go to the gym or something, right? Of course, yeah. I've been doing some to switch it up. During the holiday season, I've been doing classes at Equinox. So I do 30 minutes on the treadmill right into a class. So I'm at the gym for two hours. Good for you. Because this is the worst time of year. For any grusslers, you know this is hell on earth. So I have to kill time at Equinox. Grussler folk like you could invent a term for this week. There's like rush week. there's black friday for me i would just reappropriate hell week you got something nice for me from the army hell week is it feels like feels appropriate maybe this is this is kind of like your tree talks i guess i mean but instead of instead of me smoke bad man tree and you are having like a g g talks and that stands for the gmail suite uh google calendar google docs

sheets pages i'm having a g talks i really am that's exactly what i'm having that's that you're you're a genius that could have multiple meanings as well yeah that's what happens when like you you spend too much time in turks and cake The G gets sucked right out of you, removed from your body. You spend too much time in Turks and Caicos, and you start going to dinner with Morgan Wallen in music videos, and things just change up on you. You stop having a fine scotch and switch up for a pineapple in Bailey's? I'm having a G-Tox, and today is kind of the first. It's been okay, and yesterday I went and hung out with, do you know Alex Goose? Do you know our friend Alex? Do you know him? Yeah, he's friends with Warheim. producer yeah he is i went to go i went to go kick it with him and he actually a goose man warheim has an office in his building so i actually saw warheim yesterday working on his book um really mad scientist vibes but i'm saying i went to lincoln heights i drove across town i killed a good four hours so that's how little work you have to do right now you drove to lincoln heights electively a neighborhood that i told alex when i got there for listeners at home What's the Lincoln Heights of New York? That's my problem. I don't know what Lincoln Heights is. I've never been there before. I didn't know anything about it. You're a cultural maestro. You could throw something together, right? Come on, maestro. No, I have no idea. I don't even know where. Is it close to Highland Park? It doesn't matter what it's close to. Nobody knows what it's close to. I don't know what it is. I can't compare it to anywhere because I've been there for five minutes. It's as East LA as you can get while having Brightland. olive oil in your in your cochina okay okay yeah that's okay so it's a mix of it's a mix of mexican heritage and white settler uh direct to consumer products it's a mix uh it's a mix of the chicano heritage as well as people who work for adult swim okay great apartment studio you know it's beautiful but yeah i i'd never been there and i took the surface streets to add five extra minutes that's how that's how i was oh yeah

Oh, yeah, five extra minutes on the service streets. I had to go pick up some dry cleaning. We have a party to go to today. I had to go to Domain and pick up some wine. Sure, bro. I mean, I'll give you some work to do if you ain't got nothing going on on your platter. I got plenty you can get done over here, brother, man. I mean, I don't do the stuff you do. I do more fun chores, but I'm open. Oh, I'm not talking about chores. You know, just how long gone. Just some stuff for our small business. We got to order a new paper. We need a refill of printer paper. Could you take care of that? Could you take care of the... We need some new pens. You know the kind I like? We're out. People have been stealing them all fucking year. If you could just go to Staples, that'd be great. I don't need the pens, but when I have them, I'm in a lot better mood. Yeah, it's fine. I mean, it's fine. And I'm going to get through it just like you are, Jason. And I'm not going to be on the beach having spicy tuna crispy rice while baking in the sun. I'm going to be in the Christmas trenches here in L.A. Yeah, well, I'm going to be in my own different kind of trenches because I looked up how much it costs to live where we're going to be staying. You're saying that the hotel was well-priced when Carolyn booked it a year and a half ago, but now when you're looking at the room service prices, you didn't know eggs could cost that much. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Just by checking out the... the casual cafe menu where you like go and get like airplane sandwiches yes just looking at those prices alone i'm never going to open the the room service menu okay so you're are you is one of the errands you need me to run to hit trader joe's to kind of get your supplies for the canteen for the week no i need you to hit trader joe's for a different reason they have this machine there called the coin star and what they'll do is you take all the quarters that you've been saving up all year sure And they'll give you a slip, a coupon. And I know how much is in there. So you can't cheat a cheater. I wait it out. No, of course. No, you're a guy who can eyeball a jar full of pennies and get it pretty close to the total. I'm not you, jerk. I'm a hood figure. I don't know if...

Okay, so you've cleaned out the couch cushions. You've gone through both cars. You've got maybe 50 bucks, but every little bit counts, especially in Mexico. You assume the dollar is strong, but when you add the nobu into the equation, the dollar is just decimated. The assumption was made that one of the perks of traveling internationally, especially to Mexico, a place I've been to many, many times, and a lot of stuff, almost everything, todo. It's cheaper. Everything is cheaper. And not at the Nobu Hotel. Not at the Nobu Hotel. Okay, here's the coffee shop. They have, you know, like, you know, cafe americano. Sure. You want an espresso. You want a latte. You want a cappuccino, a cortado, whatever it is. All the coffee. You can order whatever coffee you want. It's all the same price no matter what it is. From a latte to a drip. What is that price? Every single, a shot of espresso, every coffee item is $9. Honestly, genius. I like it. I like it. It keeps you under $10. I don't like going to Mexico and spending $9 for a shot of espresso. Well, don't worry. I'm sure it'll be. It's cheaper at Noma. I'm sure it's going to be only the best Starbucks dark roast. And not Noma Tulum. Yeah, it's going to be fucking some Starbucks dark roast. It's definitely going to be Starbucks. Well, I don't know what to do except say this is the bed that you made and now you have to lie in it. And you were so excited. And I feel like some of your excitement has been zapped. Have you taken the Santa costume out of your luggage? I've been zapped. I have been zapped. Are you going bah humbug mode now? Are you joining me on the dark side? No, because I'm pot committed now. I've already gone this far. Yeah, sure. Flight's booked, Drake Voice, et cetera, et cetera. All this shit is already lined up. Am I going to get an upgrade? We'll see. The weather's not going to be terrible. It's only raining one of the days. Getting the upgrade is least to your worries. You're going for three days. You're going to spend $150 on coffee. You might as well start in the back of the plane. You might as well start in the back of the plane. That's where you belong. You need to get humbled.

before you get humbled again. This actually, maybe Carolyn gave you this trip as a humbling exercise. Do you think that's possible? No! Okay, okay. I just wanted to make sure. I just want to kind of flip over every stone here and kind of get to the bottom of this. I'm with it, bro. But no, you are totally wrong. I think the general vibe, overall vibe of this trip is to not spend the holidays with our family i understand that but what what's worse spending the holidays rewrite the playbook what's worse spending spending christmas with your family or spending five grand on coffee and i would say the sushi grade fish in mexico is going to be a little different than the sushi-grade fish in Tokyo. Look, I know the answer to this question, but can we move on? Sure, of course. I pass. I'm passing. We're actually going to dinner at Dan and Lauren's tonight for a little holiday cheer. So I get to draw it. That's nice. I don't remember where they live, but it's also going to take me an hour to get there. Thanks for the invite, Dan and Lauren. I'm going to check that off. All these cookies, I guess I'm going to eat them all. Don't do that. If you need me to come take care of the dogs while you're gone, I would do it for some cookies. That's not true. And I'm not going to put these dogs' life in your hands. I got my new car. Okay, big up. I just want to tell everyone that lives in Los Angeles about, Israel from CLS, which is the lease broker that I use. I thought this was going a different route when you said that. First word, first sentence. I'm not exaggerating when I say to you, I texted this man and within 24 hours he was at my door with a brand new car and he took my old car away and that was it. It was completely finished. I signed some paperwork and he was gone. I had the car. Going to the dealership is a fool's errand. We all know that. But I guess some people like shopping for stuff. Of course. But I'm more of a...

Yeah, there's no, I didn't, I just was so happy with the experience. You know, I was really, it made me want to buy another car. Okay, so Israel made it easy for you. You were looking for a car and then you found a car. What a heavenly way to drive. But that's the Lexus. Lexus, December to remember every year. I would love to see some Red Bulls on some ES350s. What do you say, guys? It's more that it's for, because Ryland put me in touch with him and Ryland was like, I knew you would like this because. This is for decisive people. This isn't for people who are like, I'm not totally sure. This is for people who are like, I know what I want. Bring me the car, and I will sign the paperwork, and we'll be done with it. And he was right. It was an excellent experience. You did not come here to kick any tires. The tires have been kicketh. But the biggest thing I've learned so far, after two days of having the all-new 2024 X5, is that it has the parking assist thing. It is fucking lit. I've never done anything like that. Like it drives, like it moves the car for you? Yes. Oh, you just hit a button, and then it parks the hoe for you. Yeah, you hit a button, and it backs out of whatever spot you're in, no matter how tight. Okay. And now, if this was one of Elon's Cybertrucks, you would not trust it. You would say, no, no, no, no autopilot recall. But since it's a nice Nazi sled like this, German engineering, you say, Das is good. I'm not sure if Das... I don't... The wheel moves very fast. I guess I didn't realize I'm slow with my back out, but the... The wheel spins at such a rate. It's like a merry-go-round. Look, he said he was a power bottom, not a fast bottom. Exactly. It's two different things. So I'm a little weird about it, but it's so cool that it's fun to use. It feels like you're on a roller coaster. You know my favorite. I think the only time you get used to auto driving a car is if you're an alcoholic. Otherwise, it's just kind of odd. You know what I mean? But anyways, we got a guest today, Chris. We got a guest today. I'm sorry.

Heather McMahon is our guest. She is a comedian and writer. Her new special, Son I Never Had, is on Netflix as we speak. I've seen it. She's an ATL Georgia show. She's ATL, but also she, much like you, is an obnoxious person who got married in Italy. And made all of her loved ones fly there to celebrate. So I can't wait to unpack the shared psyche between you two. Two comedians married in Italy. There's so much in common here. Come for the cacio e pepe, stay for the dick. That's what I said. All right, let's give Heather a buzz. This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Squarespace. Obviously, Jason, you and I spend a lot of time on the World Wide Web, so do our peers, our listeners, our friends, our colleagues, maybe even your parents if they're freaky. And if you're doing anything in the world, writing, taking pictures. I do topless boxing. You need a website. Exactly. A website that works, that does what it's supposed to do, that allows you to be creative but also business-minded. Jason, there's one place to go for that, Squarespace. Yeah, Chris, I'm over here. I'm modifying calculators and putting Claude inside of them so you could cheat at school. And I just want a place where I could have everything all in one place. I can have the SEO tools. So those future graduates can find me and, you know, I'm able to accept, quote, unquote, donations for my services that might be gray area. You know what I mean? And then email campaigns. Hey, I got a new, you know, 2.3 version upgrade. Boom, boom, boom. Get the analytics going. Raise some money. You know, show your investor all of your cool analytics of what's going on. They're going to want to get in early. And we can use Blueprint AI to make your website look as professional. as your competition, if not more. So... Head to squarespace.com slash howlong for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use offer code howlong to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Oh, this is huge for me personally. This episode of How I'm Gone is brought to you by TaskRabbit. Oh, baby, let me tell you something. This is not a joke. I use TaskRabbit a lot because I can't do anything. You need some art hung? TaskRabbit. You need a fucking...

Something put together, a cabinet. Got to reach that cheese grater on the top shelf. TaskRabbit. Anything you need, TaskRabbit can take care of it for you. And, I mean, how it works, TaskRabbit connects you with skilled taskers in your area. They can help you move. They can assemble furniture, repairs, yard work, mounting, and more. You can search for a tasker based on cost, skill set, availability, and past client reviews so you know exactly who's showing up and can have confidence that they know what they're doing because taskers have assembled. Over 3.4 million pieces of furniture, completed 700,000 home repairs, handled 1.5 million moves, and the numbers are just going up, Jason. Yeah, throw a little money at the problem. It's not so expensive, and that job that you really don't want to do is something that another person out in the world is very good at doing and would gladly do it in exchange for a little bit of money. When life happens, your to-do list grows. Get ahead of it now and get $15 off your first task at TaskRabbit.com or grab the TaskRabbit app using promo code HOWLONG. Taskers book up faster, especially for same-day tasks. So book Trusted Home Help today. That is $15 off your first task using promo code HOWLONG with the TaskRabbit app or at TaskRabbit.com. Jason really, Jason's kind of an audiophile, so he really gets off on a clean take. I got you. Yeah, I'm a tech junkie, so me seeing a lady with her own Zoom, mama mia, you know? Oh, baby. Listen, I don't fuck around. It's funny, like, you know, because I do stand-up. I've been on other sets before, and, you know, it's always funny when you see, like, comedians versus, like, just straight actors because I'll go to, like, craft services. I'll make my own sandwich. I'll do my thing. I'll bring my stuff. Nobody has to, like, run an errand for me, and everybody on set is always like, wow, I feel like we're not doing enough, but are you good? I'm like, guys, I'm self-sufficient because I fucking do stand-up. I'm like, actors and musicians need to be, well, I don't even know musicians, but actors need to be coddled. They don't know how to go get their own things. I'm like, no, no, no. I'm in the Cleveland airport at the Sky Club crying every fucking Thursday by myself, so I know how to get my own shit. I'm doing, yeah, the life of a stand-up does seem like you get to go to America's worst cities. It's good for material.

It's great. Oh, man. I did a show in Tampa a year ago, and a woman just shit her pants and disappeared. We have no idea where she went. She just left her soiled pants and her jeans in the bathroom. We had to hold the show 30 minutes because security was like, we've got to find this woman. We don't know if she left without her pants. Crazy shit happens, especially in Florida. Damn, I got E. coli at Heather's show in Tampa. So there's a good chance. She's listening to this right now. She's a super fan of yours, maybe. Yeah. I don't know if they have pods in Tampa. I was doing a show in Cincinnati, which is actually one of my favorite cities to perform in. I'm at a Walgreens down the street from the theater beforehand. You know, probably getting chapstick or some shit. And this woman's just smoking a blunt in the middle of the Walgreens. And I can look over. Inside the Walgreens, to be clear. Inside. Picking out Father's Day cards. Did not give a fuck. And she looked at me and she's like, you want a hint? And I was like, fuck yes, Cincinnati. I did not because I don't do drugs before I perform. But I was like, this is why I love coming to Cincinnati. You know, I've seen I see America. I didn't know Cincinnati had flavor like that. That is a little that's cooler than I thought. Like, hey, we lock up our deodorant here, too, guys. Don't forget it. OK, Heather, I saw you drinking out of a Masters. yeah turvis tumbler that's how that's what lets me know that you're a woman in the south currently right oh yeah let me tell you what it makes me feel nice because we're in the middle of winter and this is like a little bit of summer sunshine for me yeah we're i played golf growing up um that was my my other solo sport that i did but um my husband is like he's addicted he's definitely on the spectrum somehow when it comes to sports but He is addicted to golf. And so I have glowed up his life so much. I take him to the Masters every year. That's just like my gift to him. So I, of course, go into the merch tent and spend thousands of dollars on shit. Well, it's no, I mean, the Tervis, I'm from Atlanta, actually, myself. Yes, that's right. The Tervis is part of our culture. And I think we've talked, I got Jason one for Christmas last year, actually.

And it's a rite of passage. It says, how long gone co-host written on it. But you know when you get the Tervis where they have the embroidery letters, like actual fabric letters inside of it, not just printed on? Yeah, this is the fabric. This is the fabric on this. Yeah, that's because of the patented double wall technology to keep your beverage cold and hot. It has a space for the lettering, Jason. That's what it is. Right there. So when you go to the Masters with your husband, are you paying full freight for this, or do you have a plug to get a little backstage action, or are you coming out of pocket? We got a plug. Okay, you got a plug. Yeah. I got a little bit of a plug. It doesn't mean the gift is any less thoughtful, of course. Yeah, of course not. But basically what happened was a lot of the professional players, their wives, have been following me through comedy. And so they're fans. And so I became friends with a lot of these gals. Now friends with the players because I grew up playing golf. And so now we're kind of dialed in. Like we went to the Ryder Cup. I took my husband for his birthday this year to the Ryder Cup in Italy. Like honestly, wife of the year. I do a lot of things. That's very nice. It's sad that he had to fly in row 43, but at least he got to see the guys hit the ball. That's really nice. It's really nice of you. That's really nice. Does he get all of your companion passes and upgrades on Delta flights? How does this work? Oh, yeah. When there's one upgrade, do you ever give him the first-class upgrade and you go in the back? Absolutely not, and I'll tell you why, okay? Usually, listen. I don't spend, even for being a Southern woman, I spend 90% of my money on flights and nice hotels. That's my love language. That's my luxury that I need in my life. Welcome home, sugar. Welcome home. Me too. Me too. Yeah. I work too damn hard to be a coach. I'll tell you that. But I did start noticing this thing where if we were in Delta Comfort and he was flying with me, he would get upgraded before me. We're both diamond. And I was like, hmm, is it alphabetical? Because his last name is Daniels. I didn't take my husband's last name.

And then I started to realize every time he would get upgraded before me, I fly more than him. We're both diamond, but I started to really suss things out. So I called some friends at Delta and I was like, is this a fucking patriarchy thing? Cause I would murder my husband. I'm the reason this bastard's diamond. Yeah. A hundred percent. So. I was going to say patriarchy. That was my guess. But is there another culprit here that we weren't thinking of? Tell me about the algorithm. Technically, it's because he would always buy a ticket after me. I'd buy my tickets for tour, and then he would jump on. So he would be purchasing a more expensive ticket. Do I always believe that? No, I don't. But that's what they're telling me. Interesting. That makes sense. But also, your husband has the name of... famous actor right do you think that plays any part oh it very well could um yes my husband is jeff daniels the jeff daniels from dumb and dumber from newsroom and a lot of other just incredible masterpieces he could be your father i he he really could he gets better dinner reservations like if we're trying to get somewhere fancy he'll get in before i will any day yeah but then when he walks in they're like oh yeah they're so disappointed i like when uh we were talking in the intro about Getting married in Italy. I also got married in Italy in June. Hell yeah. Where'd you get married? Toscana. Yeah. Same. Same? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe we're villa mates. Yeah. What villa were you at? Via. Not what villa were you at? I was at the Villa Medici Liliano. So we were like 15 minutes north. Okay, it was not that one. Okay, it was not that one. Okay. It was not that one. That I do now. Yeah. And you studied abroad in Italy, so you have a rich history with the culture. Is that right? Yeah, I blacked out for a solid four months in Florence, Italy back in 2008. And really just, you know, sowed my wild oats. How I made it home alive, I will never know. But Florence is my favorite city in the world. Did you have any romantic flings? Or was it just a blackout situation? I wouldn't say romantic. I would say I went to pound town pretty steadily.

Yeah. So you like the Italian lover. You play into the fantasy of the Italian lover. Who doesn't? Do I play into the fantasy? I'll tell you, though, this is in true me fashion. First night I went out, I made out with a guy. He was from Cancun. I'm like, I'm the only person who went to Italy and hooked up with a Mexican. Second night, I'm so drunk. Outside of like this nightclub. It was called Central Park. And it was kind of like on the outskirts of Florence. And every study abroad kid went there. And we were having the time of our life. And I ended up hooking up with a guy outside. And my friend stops me. She like taps me on the shoulder. And she's like, he doesn't have teeth. And I step back. It was a nice Croatian man. Very handsome. But there was a lot of loose teeth. So I then eventually got my shit together and, you know, really elevated and had more of a luxurious experience. But the first two weeks were, they were touch and go. That's great. I mean, I just, the only thing with, you know, you wake up next to an Italian, you got to check your purse, make sure your credit cards are still there, all that stuff. But otherwise. Oh, yeah. Otherwise, they are hot. I mean, you know, no one can argue that. I made sweet love to this great Italian guy. And afterwards, he was pulled out a Marlboro Red. He's like, we smoke Marlboro's. And then all he wanted to do is watch The Simpsons because they're obsessed with American television. And I was just laying there in this like like this bungalow villa. And I'm like, we're smoking Marlboro Reds, watching The Simpsons. I'm like, this is peak. Damn, you read. OK, yeah, you're like, wow, I love study abroad. I'm learning a lot. I'm really learning a lot. I would love to see an Italian man passionately screaming at the Simpsons. I agree. I tell anybody, I'm like... I just say, I'm like, I tell these like my friends' kids, I'm like, go study abroad. I'm like, get abroad. You know what I mean? Like, live your life. Live your truth. Go to Germany. I don't care where. Just go get dicked down in another country. I always love when people are like, when they study abroad somewhere and you're like, you went where? Yeah, yeah. Well, other than the fucking, what else do you take from studying abroad? Because that seems to be the hero theme here. So, I did not go abroad for.

scholastic or educational purposes i because i was a theater arts major i had like i didn't do the other um the other like uh what am i trying to say like clubs and stuff that other people would have to take like most people if you're a finance major you have to take theater to to get credit right so my my college professors were like you need to go and take like wine tasting cooking all this random shit to fulfill yeah so i go by my My journey over there was from like 9 to 11 every morning, I would take Italian cooking. And then from 1 to 4, I was doing like SOM. I was taking sommelier classes. And I got 15 hours of credit for this shit. My parents were like, what the fuck are you doing over there? Hold on. What esteemed university? I want to put them on blast. The University of Mississippi. Okay. Okay. That makes a little more sense. I was going to say DeVry, but I knew you were better than that. The sommelier program at Ole Miss is exquisite. What they do there. They were like, you need just like random electives. Because I was in like a conservatory art program. So I got to go over there and bullshit while all my other friends are taking like, you know, the history of the Renaissance and language classes. And I'm just eating and getting drunk every day. That is really cool. I got ravioli till 12 if you want to meet up after. I got ravioli homework tonight. So, Heather, Christmas is here. Yeah. Is it true that you and your family do not give out gifts to each other? We don't give out gifts to each other. It's never honestly. been like our thing my mom and dad were so shitty at gifts growing up like my dad would always just forget at the last minute and palm me like a couple hundred bucks and then take me to linux mall the next day and be like get what you want let's go yeah yeah let's go let's go sensational parking's tough right after christmas but i'm sure you guys found a way i'm sure you guys found a way exactly so then flash forward years later my dad decides to die at christmas okay so he died on the 23rd from pancreatic cancer so i'm now

It's going to be eight years on the 23rd. So for the last seven years, my family, we just go away. We go on vacation. There's no kids in the fam. My sister doesn't have kids. I don't either. So we always just like go somewhere sunny and enjoy our lives. This year, I was like, we're not going to be Scrooges. We're not going on vacation until January. I said, I'm putting up a fucking tree. We will be holly. We will be jolly. We're going to celebrate. Okay. Yeah, so I'm forcing Christmas joy on everyone this year, and we'll see how it goes in a couple days. Okay. Are you feeling anxious not spending Christmas in Turks and cake this year and staying home in the cold? What's up? How are you feeling? What a white woman problem to have. I am having high anxiety about not being in the dirt seat. I am. Thank you for acknowledging that. You're like, I love saving money on those private flights to St. Bart's, but I am having some anxiety about it. I am feeling weird. I am feeling very weird. Yeah, I mean, I will let you know, I have been taken down a humble notch this year. We are flying Delta Comfort down to the Turks on the 3rd of January. Um, but yes, no, we are, we are staying home. I am feeling a little anxious. Like I, the tree is up. I'm, you know, yeah. A little anxiety, a touch. The holidays are hard. Do you live in Atlanta now? I moved in to my childhood home after my dad died. My husband and I were in New York and we moved down and took over my childhood home. And my mom lives with us. Or you could say we live with her. I am back in Atlanta. Okay. Yeah. Okay. A lot of time packed there. Okay. Did you want to do this or was your mom like, get your ass back here? All right. Is this under duress is what I'm asking. Is there somebody with a gun to your head right now? Emotional duress is kind of my everyday life. Yes. Yes and no. So what happened was living in New York with my husband, pandemic hits, we come bug out down here, right? I mean, you're from Atlanta. You get it. Like, you know, the quality of life is pretty nice. Very, very. Especially during a pandemic. especially during a pandemic, we got a saltwater pool. Okay. We live on the golf course. Like we're doing okay. So my mom was in this big house. She's like, what am I going to do? I'm going to sell it. My husband and I were like, we'll buy it.

So we're redoing everything. But one of the perks of the gig is in the contract is she comes with us. I have a great relation with my mom. But, I mean, I've been on the road touring all year. And every time I come home on a Sunday, it's the same shit. I'm exhausted. And she's like, are you taking me to dinner? I have to, like, entertain and wine and dine her. And that weighs heavy on my heart. Yeah, I'm sure. I don't. I mean, it's funny. We have a friend. We have a friend. Pia and Davide, this is exactly what they did, Jason. It's crazy. They, like, moved. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same thing. Her dad died. Her dad passed away maybe around a similar amount of years. She moved into a childhood home. with her husband, and her mom lives there as well. It's like a sitcom, you know? It is like a sitcom. I'm friends with Pia, and she and I found each other because we're on the same podcast network, and literally I was like... Oh, dear media family. Sorry about that. Oh, how could we forget? I just said, Pia, we're literally living the same life, except your husband's a real Italian, and my husband's just a New York Italian, and I'm like, this is fucking wild. Okay, so you and your mom, what is your mom doing all day? Is she just kicking it? My mom is actually a very talented painter. So she has a studio in the house. She's painting. She does, however, though, go to like TJ Maxx six times a day in Target. Sure. And I will, you know, I follow her on like, you know, my iPhone and I'll literally be on the road. I'll be doing a show and it'll be like a Saturday afternoon. I'm like, why are you at a Ross for less right now? Go home. Why are you at a Ross? Go home. Put on some leather pants. Go to the St. Regis bar. If you ever want to find a date, you're not going to find it at a fucking Ross for less in the suburbs. Get your shit together. So is she looking for a man? She is. I mean, listen, my mom had an amazing relationship with my late father, but she's at a point. My mom's 76. She does not look a day over 40. She is hot. The tits are perky. She is a lot like she has more energy than all of us.

And so she definitely wants to, like, date and be young. I mean, she said she wants to have sex. So I tell her, get to the St. Regis bar. She said she wants to have sex? Yes. I don't. And I quote, I'm not dead yet. Yeah, she's not dead yet. I cannot imagine at all. Okay, so the St. Regis bar in Atlanta, that's known as where some of the whales are pulling up for a martini? Yes, that or, I guess you could say sex workers. So I told her. Get in there. Throw some elbows. Find your way. It is a popular spot for women of the night. It sure is. And the men who love them. And I've witnessed this before. I've been there and I've seen it. And there's a great hotel like that in every major city in America. That's kind of what we're built on. Yeah, the Polo Bar in New York. A lot of talent there. Your mom being... kind of being willing to go up against these professionals. It says a lot about her character. Yeah, she is just ready to roll. I mean, she's a hot redhead, you know, and she's a little minx. So she went on a date recently. They went to the St. Regis, and I went to Chops, which is a fancy steakhouse next door. Yes, yes, next door. And I'm with my friends drinking martinis. Same ballet. Same ballet, same ballet. And she went on this date with this guy. He's a big music manager. One of my... friends are in this big band so they're like hey we got a great idea she should hook up with our manager she's also widowed his wife died of cancer it's perfect this is the difference between women and men my mom is now almost eight years a widow and she still is like taking her time to make sure that like she's going out vetting people like whatever this guy's wife had died like eight months before and he was already trying to make out of the bar and my mom was just like what the fuck i mean she's horny but she was just like oh my god this poor woman's not even like cold in the ground yet damn and that's the difference that is men are from mars women are from venus type shit right there yeah that's true guys are horny 100 all right this episode of how long gone is brought to you by quince jason the temps are warming up it's getting hot out there summer always changes how i get dressed uh i need pieces that feel lighter more breathable

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Is this guy age appropriate? He is. But OK, he's technically around my mom's age, but this is why he's actually not age appropriate for her. My mom was 11 years older than my late father. So she was an original cougar before being a cougar was a thing. So she doesn't want somebody in their 70s. She's like, oh, so then they're going to turn 80 and I got to fucking take care of them. She's like, I want somebody who is younger, who has energy, because my mom's still in great shape. Okay, I'll keep that in mind. There's a lot of talk about age discrepancies lately. Here's the thing. Yeah, I need you to keep this in mind. If you guys know any, if you have uncles, you know, any other, you know, any stepdads or anything, let me know because our family is a fucking hoot. And I, we have a place in the Turks and Caicos. So built in vacation. Oh, that's nice. I just really like to find my mom. That's cute. That's nice. Okay. So this is a good package we got here. This is a good, great package. There's a lot on the table for that. I like that. I like that. What do you, as somebody who's a, who's a lifelong enjoyer of Turks and cake, what do you think about the, Drake's influence on this island and what it's done in the last... Do you feel the effects as a homeowner? Let me tell you. As a native islander. Let me tell you something about Champagne Poppy. I went on a rant about this the other day. I am so upset. First of all, he only started coming down maybe two, three years ago. The reason we are Turks and Caicos people, my dad... Went down there years ago. We developed a hotel down there, right? That's just our vibe. We've been going to the Turks since they had limestone roads. I love the people. That is my place. Long story short, Drake starts coming down. And you can't even go to the fucking. The real colonizer. The real colonizer. Exactly. You cannot even go to one of our favorite bars, which is called Noah's Ark. It's a floating tiki bar in the middle of the ocean. If you try and go up there on a boat day on a Saturday or Sunday, it's all of Drake's buddies. They're like.

We're at weight capacity. Nobody else. Oh, because it's in the ocean? Yeah, he's got big guys with him. Chubbs. Yeah. We've got to jettison a couple of these big guys. Yeah, Chubbs is taking up two stools. This thing's going to go under if we don't. That's terrible. It's terrible. I am going down in January. I know he's down there right now. I have some friends down there. They're like, oh, we rented a drink at the restaurant. I'm like, that's why I can't get a fucking reservation. I'm pissed. I am very. I am one of the white women who is very upset Drake is there, unless he invites me to his house. And then I will give him a handjob. I was about to say, you'll fold like a fucking newspaper if he's like, why don't you just come through? I will give him a handjob. I'll show him a tip, whatever he wants. Yeah, I will join the party. It is funny, though, how... Like someone of that level goes somewhere like that's relatively small. And it's just kind of like it disrupts the daily life. It really does. But it is funny because everybody in the Turks does not give a shit. They're like, yeah, Drake's here. Yeah, yeah. They don't care. They don't care. Well, I'm sure they like the influx. There is an influx of money, obviously, which is probably good overall. But there usually is there, I'm assuming. There's usually an influx. Well, if you can't. I've never been. If you can't go to your favorite. floating tiki bar what's the fucking point you know it's like is life worth living what's the point of living like what what am i doing here what's the point we we often talk on this show to people who are in bands musicians people like that who have histories partying and we ask this question to some of them i feel like i want to try it on you are you able to rank your top five prescription pills of all time oh absolutely where do we go all right i would say now this is going to come I'm not really even going to go in order. I'm just going to tell you what I like and don't like. Yeah, it doesn't have to be in order. Listen, threw out my back in April, thought I was going to love a muscle relaxer. Didn't do much. Didn't put me down the way I thought it was going to. Don't love, do not love any sort of like a painkiller, like an Oxy or anything. They make me itch. Like I get the itchies. You know, if you've taken a Loretab recently and you're just sitting on the couch like a crackhead, not my thing. I love a Trazodone. I do love a Xanax.

You know, those are where I really, you know, get loosey goosey and I love an Adderall. So mine are really fixing problems kind of. Yeah, I mean, the itching. is kind of to me that was always like it lets me know it's working you know what i mean right and i like that a little bit but it is for you it is considered junky behavior so you have to kind of watch it you do have to watch it you gotta you gotta keep an eye on those oxycons um gotta keep an eye on it yeah between the xanax and the trazodone are there any subtleties or differences i don't i'm i'm not familiar with the traz effects so trazodone is technically like a sleep aid but not like an ambient it's like it's almost like xanax light so you can take one you'll fall asleep hard but you're not going to feel like sometimes when you take a xanax it like really takes you down so you can take those and kind of uh be out in public more um i haven't taken like a real hard xanny in a minute um but yeah trazodone when i'm on the road it's very hard for me uh to come down after a show so you know i won't eat dinner till like midnight and then next thing you know i'm looking at the clock it's 2 a.m i still haven't like settled right so i had to start taking them because if i have to get on a flight the next morning like 8 a.m i'm not going to make it so um yeah i had to get those trazzies in the system it is really it's tough to come down after those electric you know the crowd is cheering you know it's tough it's tough how do you just go watch the news and fall asleep we just started doing live shows and so we're sort of experiencing that as well but We try to have like what are the pre and post show rituals? Like we never eat dinner before a show. I don't either. I mean, listen, I talk about partying all day, but it's so funny when I'm on the road. I'm such a like a buttoned up profesh. I don't drink at my shows. I don't do drugs before my shows. Like I am so anal about. performing but i'll have i'll be if i'm doing clubs i'll have wine or whatever but i i like to know what i'm doing um my pre-show ritual is so embarrassing so i realize especially in stand-up and i'm sure musicians feel this way it's very overstimulating right i don't shut the fuck up i'm talking for 90 minutes like it's it's so you're elevating up here um

And so I am very quiet before a show. I don't like anybody coming backstage. Like if I'm performing in a town with a bunch of friends, I'll see you after the show. I have to like shut down the machine. I listened to this guy's so embarrassing. I listened to a very curated Spotify playlist called cocktail jazz. I listened to that really gets me zenned out. And then I listened. I'm familiar with that playlist actually. It's nice. You feel like you're at the Bemelman's Bar at the Carlisle, right? So you're backstage in Wichita, but you're uptown in your mind is what you're saying. I am uptown. I'm having a dirty martini. I'm having a cheeseburger slider. Yeah. Oh, wow. The nuts are hot and they're bottomless. Without a doubt. The chips are actually just Lay's, but they're delicious. They're delicious. They're so good. Like, they're so good. Oh, no. I'm back there probably having, like, maybe a six-count of Chick-fil-A nuggets just to have a little something in the system. Okay. Having a raspberry or pink lemonade spin drift. I do my own makeup. That's my Zen time. So I beat a face. I put on my glitter suit. And then I'll listen to probably Drake and or like Cardi B to hype myself up about three minutes before I go out on stage. Okay. Yeah. Okay. What about the pee situation? Do you do one last? What time do you pee before you go on stage or is that just a regular whatever? So I'll usually have some sort of nervous tummy situation. Like I'll, you know, almost shit my pants right before I go out on stage. Yeah. And then while my opener's on, I will pee about. six times so i'm going to the edge of the stage i'll come off i'll pee i'll go to the edge of the stage i'll come off and pee and i'm you know i have a tiny urethra actually medically so when i pee it's like a pressure washer it's not like so i really hit the bowl hard okay then back and forth less of a shower more of a jet stream yes You know, Jason kind of gets. You can hear it in the rafters. Jason gets quiet, I would say. We like to host a large group backstage before and have a party atmosphere. Yeah. But Jason, because Jason's working on. Kevin Hart style, you know. Yeah, yeah. The Red Cup Boys vibes back there. Jason needs a little time because he's working on the set list. And I can tell.

When I need to shepherd the people away from him to give him his his time, because that's going to benefit me as well. You know, I need to. But he is drunk. I don't have the ability to not entertain like it's. Whether whether it's like me being an actual like entertainer, the southern woman in me is like, I got to make sure you have a drink. And did you get something from the charcuterie board? Like, I don't have a chill. There is no way for you to be in my space and me not to make sure that you're comfortable. And it's some sort of probably like people pleasing thing that I need to work through. So I finally had to just be like, I can't take care of anybody else but myself. So I just am like, you guys will fucking party after the show. But nobody's back. That's mature. I like that. I'm sure it took years. I'm sure it took years to learn that that's good for you. You know, trial and error. But we made it. I saw that you're going to Australia, aren't you? I am. And I've never performed in Australia. I don't have no idea if I even have fans there. But we're going. We're doing it. Let me tell you something, sweetheart. We had fans. We sold out a show in Melbourne. So you're going to be fine. Oh, fuck yeah. You're going to be fine. But it's honestly paradise. Like, I can't believe. how nice it is yeah and clean and just everything's great you're gonna love everybody says it's like the like all the perfect things about la that's what it is they're like it's just the best it's it's funny because i found where are you doing you're doing a bunch of are you doing multiple cities or is it like i'm doing brisbane melbourne and sydney but i'm also there while taylor swift is there so like i'm fucking fighting the hussies that are going to her show Damn. Poor planning. You guys have crossover on the same night. We have crossover one night, and then I think when I'm in Sydney, she's in Melbourne. Then when I'm in Melbourne, she's in Sydney. But either way, I was like, guys, my audience is heavily female. We could not have rescheduled this. Yeah, that's tough. That's a conundrum. But I will say this. The beauty of it is they know the effort it takes to get all the way to their end-of-the-earth country.

And they respect that you make the journey. So they're warmed up. They're happy. You don't even have to do well. You can just try out new shit, honestly. They're just happy to see you. They're just happy that an American came down and is doing their thing. It's a really nice, safe atmosphere. I love that. All my friends who've recently toured Australia are like, you're going to fucking love it. I mean, I should try new material because my first 20 minutes is about Alabama football. Sure, sure. Write some new jokes. Yeah, the Roll Tide stuff's not going to really hit in Brisbane. That's a good point. It's going to be a little tough. Exactly. Look to rugby. If any of the stuff is interchangeable with rugby, just give it a shot. That's smart. Yeah. I can't wait to hear you talk about watching Australia Rules women's rugby on the telly. It's really something else. I was built for rugby. So I feel like if I did live over there, I may have the shoulders to easily play in the NFL. But I would definitely – I probably should have gotten dialed into rugby at some point in my life. It's interesting to watch a sport that you don't understand, but it feels so similar to sports that you do understand. Whereas cricket just feels insane. It looks like football. It acts like football. It is not football. And it's a very – Just hard to understand. Oddly enough, Kamala Harris was in Atlanta the other day coming to, like, the National Cricket League. And I was flying out, and they had to, like, hold us because she was flying in. And I'm like, what? What the fuck is the vice president coming to Atlanta, Georgia to watch cricket for? I don't know if I missed something, but... It feels like a mad lib, doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah, they don't have a lot going on right now. I think it's a little... You know what I mean? They're winding it down. You gotta... She wants to get out of the house. That's true. It was annoying. Yeah. Chris is a big fan of water drinking. He's got a gallon jug right there, usually. In your special Something Caught My Ear, you mentioned that your parents had a Poland Springs five-gallon dispenser in their master bedroom. Yeah. Kinky. You're telling a story, a funnier part that I won't step on because it's really funny, but that part I wanted to talk about. Did you ever get to the bottom of why they needed a five-gallon dispenser?

Water dispenser in the bedroom? Yes. It was because my dad was lazy and didn't want to walk downstairs to refill any sort of water. But the irony of it is my dad never drank water, nor does my mom. My dad lived off caffeine-free Diet Cokes. pretty sure that's what killed him um but he would have like 12 caffeine free diet cokes a day and at our local country club he would have like the turvis tumbler that you were talking about earlier uh he would have his own georgia tech uh memorabilia turvis tumbler behind the bar and they would just constantly keep it filled with diet cokes um so yeah it was essentially Yeah. Legend. You know, it's funny you say this, though, because I've said this on the podcast before. My mom used to drink like 10 Cokes a day, too. It was like, yeah, there was a time where that was just OK, at least in the South, where that's just like, yeah, it's fine. No one thought about it. It's insane to think about that now. Insane. Insane. And my dad always had this joke because he was like a heavyset Southern guy. We'd be at a restaurant. He'd always ask the server. He'd be like, do you know why people drink Diet Coke? And, you know, the young girl, I was like, no, why anybody? Because they're fat and they're thirsty. And then she wouldn't know how to react because he was clearly a fat guy. And I would just be like, ma'am, I'm so sorry. Walk away. We'll tip you 80%. He does this every time. It's fine. It's fine. Damn, that's good. That's a great joke, you know. It worked on me. Keeping a five-gallon in the bedroom, I mean, I might do Mountain Valley, but either way. I like it. And also, was it actually Poland Springs? I think Poland Springs is what we would drink down here because we don't do Dasani. No, it was either Poland Springs or was it Ozark? It was whatever the Spring Valley water was down here. That's just so cool. As an aspirational water drinker, that's something that I really feel a kinship. What do you drink? People think I'm a snob. I'll drink any old water. I like the gallon distribution because I know how much it is. So when I finish it, I know I'm done. But people, why don't you pour it in a cup? Because that's just extra stuff. I don't need that. I hear you. I'll drink anything as long as it hydrates me. I don't drink alcohol, and so I really only drink coffee and water, which I feel like could be a key to my – I could live longer.

I think. Okay, I hear you. My thing is actually drinking all the water, it kind of doesn't do shit unless you have electrolytes in it. So I've become like this electrolyte girl where I've always got some sort of sodium, potassium, magnesium bullshit tincture in my... We got liquid IV. We got element. What are we using? I like element. I love liquid IV. Liquid IV, if I'm going drinking, that's what I'm going to do. But it leaves you real swollen and salty the next day. But I live off these tablets called Noon, N-U-U-N. Oh, yeah, yeah. I've seen noon. I get the strawberry lemonade because they're low sugar, and I probably have six of those a day. Okay. Okay. So you found the 2023 version of caffeine-free Coca-Cola. Sure did. Sure did. Six noons. Okay. This sounds like, okay, this is the most, it sounds like. This is some real southern shit. You don't like water that much, so you've got to make it taste yummy to actually drink it. You have to trick yourself. That is such a thing when people in South America are like, I just drink sweet tea. I don't like water. I've always loved water. I'm really a sparkling water girl. Look, I love water. I've always loved water. I love water. Okay, fuck off. But my thing is I like bubbles. I like bubbles. Chris Perrier. I am a sparkling water snob. I've got everything. I've got poppies. I've got spindrift. I've got LaCroix. Anything you could ever imagine. A Topo Chico. I got it. So I really have to trick myself into drinking real water because if it doesn't tickle the tongue when it hits the lips, I'm upset about it. I understand. So you like a hard Perrier bubble, not a softer Pellegrino offering. Okay. I do like Pellegrino. We did serve it at the wedding. Obviously, he's Italian, but I get a real hard on. You can't get it at Costco. You have to get it at Sam's Club. But you can get the little mini bottles, the glass bottles, and that Perrier bubble is so fucking tight and crisp. It's good. I like that they even sell that at some of these members' clubs. I'm surprised. Maybe I should take a second look at Costco and Sam's Club. Well, actually, it's funny you brought that up because my wife's mom gifted us a Costco membership for Christmas just last night.

And her and I live, just the two of us, no kids, no family. And I don't know how much I'm going to need a Costco membership. Can you walk me through this as a, I guess you're a dink? Dual income, no kid? Yes. Well, my husband's playing a lot of golf right now. He's kind of in between. He's in between jobs. Yeah, no kids. Definitely no kids. He's on sabbatical. Yeah. When we moved down from New York, he was like, Well, technically, my job isn't really thriving in Atlanta, so I'm going to play some golf. I said, you do you. Let me tell you, you have him into a Costco. I know you don't think you need this shit. You go in. My favorite fucking thing to do when I'm home from the road is I like I think because probably maybe. I don't know how to even say this. I like doing domestic shit when I'm home because I itch a little bit because I'm always gone. So when I'm home, I don't, I'm not a target girl. I don't love to do that shit. Like women be shopping. That's not really my thing. I go to Costco though. I get the flatbed. I don't even get the regular cart. I get the flatbed and I go in there. I'm buying electronics. I'm buying dog beds. I don't need, they have. three. I buy cases of wine. I just go in there. I buy all the pastries. If you like lamb, they actually have fantastic New Zealand lamb chops at Costco. Great deal. And they're organic. I got you. I'll tell you. If you like lamb, if you like lamb, lamb they've got something for you over there okay so so when you go to costco and you have the flatbed like you're moving cement from yeah like you're you're going contractor mode you're how much lamb are you buying for you and your golfing husband well and also my mother okay and you're okay sorry sorry sorry petite woman doesn't eat much but i mean i'm only getting lamb for you know i'm maybe getting two racks okay That's not a big deal. Do you have a basement or garage fridge in addition to your kitchen fridge? Honey, honey, I would not be a white woman if I didn't have at least two white fridges. I've got one giant floor-to-ceiling, probably eight-foot deep freezer.

uh, fridge thing in the garage. Then we have one in the laundry room, but we're about to gut the laundry room. And I just bought, let me tell you, get excited. Okay. First of all, when I started making money, I bought myself a crushed ice machine. All right. Like the Sonic ice. That's nice. Yeah. Or like you get a Zaxby's or whatever. Y'all don't have that on the West Coast. We're familiar with Zaxby's. Jason knows about the lore of Zaxby's though. He's, he's, I'm a Bojangles man myself. Oh, okay. Well, that's only for breakfast. You don't, you don't do Bojangles after 10 a.m. It's not where they thrive. Okay, no Bojangles after 10 and then no cookout before 10 p.m.? Does that seem about right? Cookout is 3 a.m., you took a pill, and you will not shit right for two weeks. Cookout is one of the craziest places. I don't know. I can't. I'm disgusted by it. We were in Atlanta doing a show, and I took Jason and our friend Tim, who was with us, there, and they both were like, oh, hell, they were so excited. The menu looks like a Dr. Bronner's soap bottle. It's just half a Bible. I know exactly which cookout you were at. You were at the one on the west side off Howell Mill. No, we weren't. No, we were the one on Ponce. Okay. Oh, even that's that one's fancy. That's a reason. Oh, that's nice. Okay, well, good to know. That's nice. Good to know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was only a little bit of blood on the walls. It was a nice one. Minor, minor. I'm sorry. So you're buying, you bought a crushed ice machine. So I got a crushed ice machine, not at Costco, but I did when I got my first real check. I was like, we're going to elevate this kitchen. I like crushed ice. So we did. We got that machine. But now we bought, I just bought like the, the. The see-through fridge, kind of like the Chris Jenner one. You're going Kardashian mode. I'm not going Kardashian mode to show that I have all these fruits and vegetables. But we are such a condiment-heavy, saucy family. So literally, our fridge, we have the Sub-Zero fridge in our kitchen. There is no room for food. So I had to get another fridge and install it in our laundry room. And it's like a restaurant fridge. If you were to go to the deli, we bought a deli fridge. We got a low boy.

We got to look. Yeah. So you can see you can because this is for now. Is this for condiments or is this for food? I think this one's going to be for food. And then just the one in the kitchens for, you know, just condiments. You do strike me as a you do strike me as a you might have a Khloe Kardashian style pantry where it's all, you know, the organization. It's got like there's there's you've bought. a ton of kind of uniform storage containers and you take your fruit loops out of the box and put them in the are you that person it keeps them fresh longer it does yeah it does so it's wild my mom is the kind of person where like she's addicted to plastic bins everything has it has its location she's a plastic bin everything has a sticker but i realize it's also kind of just like organized hoarding so I'm like throw everything away. I could be a minimalist if I could get my shit together. But we both have crippling ADHD. So like we'll start a Marie Kondo project and then not finish it. So it's kind of chaos. I need to hire a professional organizer. Like I'm sitting in my office right now looking around like this is insane. Like it's bad. I'm very interested. I'm also very interested in hiring a professional organizer. And I've heard amazing things. I also. I'm looking into, for the holidays, getting a hypnotist to stop eating desserts. Oh, wow. I don't know if that's... I can't quit, you know? And I can... I don't have to have him every day, okay? I sound like a real fucking drug addict right now. I don't have to have him every day. That's what he said about Oxycontin, too. That's what I said about Oxycontin. But I think that there's a hypnotist here in L.A. that a bunch of, like... musician friends i know have used to stop smoking and it worked like one time they go once and it's like they're good to go and it's i mean it's not very expensive so i feel like it should work for dessert right but can i ask like Listen, smoking is really bad for you. Are sweet treats that fucking bad? No, no. They're not, but it's like... I think it's a spectrum. Sweet treats are a spectrum. We're talking about eating a handful of medjool dates, nature's candy? That's totally fine with me. Yeah, we're talking about a five-pound bag of M&M's. If you're talking about a pizookie from BJ's Pizzeria... Oh, my God. I have a sweet tooth. It's all I have left.

You know, as far as vices go. So I feel like if I was able to conquer it, I would be superhuman. That's part of it is I feel like it would take me into a new level that I can't unlock. Otherwise, I think about this all the time. I think about not only am I funny, not only do I have a stunning face, I've got great legs, great tits. I have, you know, I'm smart. I'm witty. I'm kind. I am pretty much just 10 out of 10. But if I could really get into great shape, I've always been, I like to call it tight chubby. Like the muscles are muscling, but like I just have that extra layer that's just, I never had abs. I'm soft in the middle. And I always think, I say, if I really got ripped, it would destroy me. You know what I mean? You've got to have one thing that keeps you humble. But doesn't it feel a little fun? Doesn't it sound fun to destroy yourself sometimes? You know what I mean? Just to see what it's like. Yeah. Yeah, it does. I feel like you got to go on. You got to just do the thing where you're like, all right, fuck it. I'm going to act like I'm getting in shape for a Marvel movie. I'm going to hire a trainer. It would happen fast. Yeah. And then you could at least know if you liked it or not. I've tried it multiple times, whether I was. You're like, the thought has crossed my mind before. Funny you say that, Chris. I have done that multiple times. Let me tell you what. She is a queen of the yo-yos. I'm just a heavier set. gal and people when they see me in public they're like oh my god fucking oh my god they're literally like you're stunning and i'm i don't read that way on camera so i always am just like if if i i've done it i have but i just know the amount of fucking work it would take for me to get to that point so i'm always like i'm good well the problem is it ruins your life like really you're like i could be i could be in in insane shape if i didn't ever go to a restaurant yeah and ate fucking chicken breasts and like you know There's just a line where it's like my quality of life goes down too far. You think I'm an asshole now? Yeah. Also, I'm such a dickhead. I can't even imagine if I was fucking. Oh, yeah. If I was running around with my shirt off, that'd be bad for everybody. Insufferable. That's what I say. I say that extra like 30 pounds keeps me so grounded. We need this. Quite literally. This is good for business. My vertical has suffered. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. I can't even dunk. I've been trying for years. Now that you got some bread, are we doing peptides, injections, wellness thingies, IVs, cryo, any stuff like that? Not Olympic. I see a functional medicine doctor, so I pay out of pocket. My insurance covers nothing. I definitely see a woo-woo gal who does like, when I say they do a blood draw, it is like, I think that's too much. Every time I'm like, I feel weak. Wait, I can't stand up. I can't stand up. No, I see a shout out to my doctor, Dr. Chris Inosia. But she's great. So I did IVF during COVID to try and get some embryos on ice because I knew I was about to go back on the road. And it fucking destroyed me. It like fucked me up. Yeah, it's hard. So after that, I had to go. I see all the woo-woos. But again, they're always kind of like, the irony of it is. My dad died of cancer. My dad was a heavyset guy, and he would fly for fun. He was in private aviation. So he would always get, like, would smoke cigarettes, didn't drink, but, like, you know, smoked weed, did his thing. I don't know why I'm whispering. Like, he's going to, like, bust in the room. But every time he would get blood work done, they were, like, solid as a rock. And, like, for a heavy guy, my mom was always, like, thinking that they were going to say, like, his cholesterol was high. Blood pressure. Blood pressure is perfect. Cholesterol, perfect. A1C, perfect, you know? Like, keep smoking cigs. Yeah. That might be keeping you alive. Honestly, they're like, you're just built like a horse. But mine is I've had to get into the wellness because I'm so burnt out from the road. I'm burnt. I love the idea of wellness in Atlanta because it's in short supply compared to Los Angeles. So I'm sure you've had to pick up some rocks and move some things around to find these practitioners. But I'm glad to hear that you did because I wouldn't know where to find them. That's for sure. Oh, I found the spot. Shout out to Stat Wellness in Atlanta, Georgia. They're changing the game. Is it in the city or is it in Alpharetta? Be honest. No, we got one on Westside and we got one in Roswell. Oh, okay. Two locations is nice. So the suburb girlies can get well and the city kids can too. Okay, that's good. I'm going to check that out next time I'm visiting my parents just to see how it compares to some of the...

beacons of wellness that I visit here in Los Angeles. I'm obsessed with all the voodoo witchcraft bullshit in LA. I remember I got sick once in LA. I used to live out there and my friend was like, go to this guy. He was like a Chinese herbalist and I had to drive to Rancho Cucamonga and pay this guy $60 for just a tincture. And they were like, Gwyneth Paltrow sees him. It's a part of goop. And if I tell you, I met this guy on the side of the highway and I bought those tinctures and if I didn't feel fucking fantastic 24 hours later no shit it works i'm into it yeah it works no i'm an easy sell too i i i'm with you i mean i haven't i haven't been to a real doctor i mean i go see some therapists for my body obviously because i'm in such insane shape it hurts all the time yeah um but but is it but i i mean i haven't i guess also we went to the did you ever go jason to the acupuncture i sent you to the acupuncture it's like there's an acupuncturist it's like you go in and it's all signed posters it's like gwen stefani rage against the machine but it's all like rockers yeah it's where the chili peppers get stuck bro exactly and i was like this is one of the most insane selling points that i've ever like it was but i was like oh this is a nice mix of eastern you know classic medicine and modern as well you know they let you know that flea gets stuck there it's also kind of like when you go to restaurants in italy because anywhere you go like a nice restaurant in italy they always have photos that are like they haven't been dusted in 40 years but it's like a photo of tara reed at the hostess stand just to be like she came here once everywhere i go i'm like tara reed is going to all my favorite restaurants she was here in 2002 so they see a blonde girl walk in they're like Yeah, they're all like, Anna Nicole, it's you. Yeah, I get that all the time. They do the little cross on the...

And they know that she's dead, right? They know that she's dead, or do you think they don't know? I do think that they get the news a little bit delayed there, so I don't think they know she's dead. They are a little behind. They are a little behind. They kind of listen to transistor radios to get the dispatches. Yeah, yeah, it's different. So are you cooking up Italian food at home, or do you just go out? We go out a lot. Because I know that you're into food, right? I am, and I've got to be honest with you. Atlanta has a phenomenal food scene. It's a vibe, and we have great Italian restaurants. restaurants um but no i i do like to cook a little bit at home but you know again the southern roots i'm kind of like let me put a dip with some sort of creamy sauce in a crock pot set it and forget it you know yeah play nine holes at the club come back have some sort of buffalo chicken dip that's what brings me joy but yes i do if i'm cooking we only cook italian that's that's how we roll okay i i mean The Atlanta restaurants are great, and I think people kind of know that now, but Italian is not what I think of. Have you been to Storico Fresco? Have you been to Yepa? Have you been to Storico Forza? Have you been to Lila Lila? Honey, come back to the city. I'll take you out. We will fucking eat. And you're having a sweet treat with me because I'll tell you right now, I really don't trust people. If we go out to dinner, it could be lunch. I'm not going to eat a dessert at lunch, but if we go to lunch and they say, would you like to see the dessert menu? I would like to peruse it. I do want to look. And if you're one of those people who's like, no, no, no, we don't even want to look, I don't think we can continue our friendship. Chris always says to look. Okay, well, that's good to know. I went out to dinner last night with my wife and her parents, and we saw the dessert menu, went through all of it, and we're like, no, we're good. And that's fine. But you do need to know. But you have to explore it. You have to explore it. Well, I recently saw on your Instagram there's a little kind of a rant on sauces and white creamy things. Chris is very against.

sauces, white things, creamy stuff, sour creams, mayonnaise, all those things. And I am pro white, creamy, chunky. I was really thinking that we were going to be besties, but you don't even fuck with the sour cream? Oh, definitely not. Oh, hell no. How do you load a baked potato? Do you do butter? I haven't loaded a baked potato maybe ever, but I am familiar with the ingredients. It's like a psychological thing where if I see a baked potato, I want to see how much butter and sour cream is on there so I don't feel afraid that there is not enough. Whereas Chris wants the butter and stuff in there, but whip it in together with a mashed potato, he doesn't want to see how the... The white creamy sausage is made, I guess. Do you do ranch? Before he puts it in his mouth. Oh, no, no, no, no. Chris, I really need to break this down. I'm a blue cheese lover. I'm a ranch lover. I've beaten that out of myself. I mean, obviously. But Heather, you know a lot. There's a lot of, there's like, you know, there's like 20% of the people who don't eat cilantro because they think it tastes like soap. It tastes like soap, yeah. I think there's like a 20% of people who just, anything white, creamy, saucy, they're just repulsed by it. Do you do like a barbecue or a ketchup? Any other condiments? Is it just? You don't like ketchup. I mean, if I'm having a if I'm having a French fried potato, of course, I'll have ketchup like a good American. But a little Duke's mayonnaise. Dip that fry in there. Listen, the only the only time I've ever agreed with the KKK is when they say white is right, because it means when it pertains to sauces. If you're eating a French fry. Okay. When it comes to sauces, white is right. I don't, I don't, I'm not really, I mean, I enjoy ketchup, but if I'm, I'm more of a German kind of gal with a fry, a free, if you will, I'm dipping it in an aioli and dipping it in the mayonnaise, maybe a Dijon mustard. I don't need ketchup with my fries. I don't really love a barbecue sauce. I like an actual Alabama white barbecue sauce. You know, I don't, I am familiar. I can only imagine when you open the sub zero, the door, how much rattling and the weight.

The dozens and dozens of bottles. This thing's holding on for dear life. Your sauce catalog must be exquisite. Exquisite. Lots of hot sauces. My favorite, always at the top, a Crystals hot sauce. It's from New Orleans. I put Crystals on everything. I love Crystals. I was just in New Orleans about a month ago. It's the perfect hot sauce. It takes nothing away. It only adds. Only ads. That's beautiful. Lastly, I wanted to ask you about script writing and things beyond comedy. I know you do that a little bit. Do you have anything in the works, anything coming up that we should pay attention to? Oh, Jesus Christ. Help us and save us. Yes, I have been developing a show at NBC for the last 25 years. Listen, I was talking about this with somebody else the other day. I was like, it's really wild because television development, movie development, it takes so long to get a yes. And then when you get a yes, it takes so long to get stuff across the finish line. With stand-up and podcasting and stuff, it's like you do it. If you build an audience or if you build it, they will come. So that's why it's so rewarding to me to be able to do stand-up because I can just write my show, get up, perform it, and have the time of my life, and I get instant gratification. This whole process of developing, while it should be like you look back in two years, you're like, man, look at all the stuff we figured out along the road. I'm like, just let me be on set. Just pick up the show. So I'll go probably by February. but I'm ready. I'm like, just let me be. Are you in it? Are you going to be in it? Yeah, I'm starring in it. It's a it's. It's basically about my life once my husband and I moved in with my mom. Oh, this is great. I look forward to that. The guys at NBC, I know you're listening. Let's get this thing greenlit. Let's do this. Let's get this thing greenlit, honestly. Let's get this thing going. If that does happen and we do get greenlit, how is that going to affect your life? Are you going to have to move or are you going to be able to shoot in Atlanta? Tyler Perry will break you off a little area. Tie-tie on the horn. Tie-tie on the horn.

Unfortunately, well, it's going to be a multi-cam. So like Seinfeld, Friends, the live audience. So I'll have to move back to L.A. Which, listen, I love L.A. I thrive. I was just there this week. I have a great time. Everybody wants to. I love New York. But all my New York friends are like, oh, fuck L.A. I'm like, it's 75 every day. I'm going to Air One. I just get, you know, I go to Jones on 3rd, get a Chinese chicken salad. I'm doing John and Vinny's. You're really my kind of chick, I got to say. My southern heritage, I just, I'm feeling, yeah, I'm feeling a close kinship here. And I appreciate your time today. And as somebody who's not from L.A., you really know all the right spots, and you know what to get there. Just knowing the Chinese chicken salad from Jones on 3rd tells me everything I need to know. I feel safe. When I was out there, she came up to my table. I was just there this week, but I was doing a show, had a show at the Pantages in November. She came up to my table. She's like, I'm a huge fan. I've met so many fucking A-list celebrities. Almost fell out of my seat. I was like, Joan, you don't understand. Like, I order your dressings online. Like, I'm obsessed with you. Like, the Korean chicken salad is also my favorite. The short rib sandwich. And she was like, anything you ever need, here's my number. I got Joan's personal number. Wow. Oh, yeah. Wow. She's kind of like LA's Ina Garten in so many ways. You know, she's just been there with us for decades. That's very cool. You got to try the turkey meatloaf sandwich at some point. The meatloaf sandwich is a sleeper. I absolutely will try it. I will try it. It sounds really light, Jason. It sounds really light. That's why I'm saying it's light. Obviously, Meat Love Sandwich does not sound light, but you know Jones found a way to freak it. God bless. Heather, thank you for joining us on How Long Gone Today. It was a pleasure. Thank you for having me. You guys are an absolute dream. And let me know when you come back to Atlanta because I'll take you to the spots. I'm ready to hit the St. Regis with you and kind of just check out the lay of the land. You know, I'm ready. Yeah, let's fucking do it. Let's tear it up. Thank you. Thank you so much. We really appreciate it. And you guys, everybody go watch the special on Netflix. It's really fun. Happy Holidays.