367. - Chris & Jason

All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Stateside with Kai and Carter, a new podcast from The Guardian. And they are using this podcast to slow down the news and wrestle with the questions that we all have about what's happening in the world. And they do it three times a week, Jason. Does that sound familiar to you? We don't really talk about, you know, a lot of international global news items and climates and cultures and sports and things like that. We do talk about fashion and wellness, but for everything else, Kai and Carter are a great place. All right, so who couldn't use more news? Listen wherever you get your podcasts. or watch on YouTube. Classic Sunday episode. Jason, I was worried, was going to feel kind of touched up from some partying we did last night, but he's saying to me that, no, no. He feels okay. Reports are coming in. I like touched up, actually. It's nice. I don't know if I've ever used that before. It's just a more fun way to say I'm hungover. It's the nicest way. We need more of that. After I dropped you off at an undisclosed residence in the hills, did you continue to partake in drugs and alcohol, or was it more mellow? No, it was too mellow. It was one of those things where... I was a guest of a guest, so I didn't really know anyone there, so I was just kind of along for the ride. So you couldn't ask one of the 15 gay guys for GHB? You just decided to kind of sit in the corner and drink your little Budweiser? Well, sometimes the gay community can be... welcoming and sometimes it can be not so welcoming and this was this was not super welcoming there was a little bit of you can't sit with us energy we're not going to just give you a stranger ghb yeah there's nothing cooler than being in a house with 10 guys you've never heard of who all think they're famous or relevant

Okay, so a party in L.A. or New York. Yeah, I know you're a stylist, bro, but going to Zara doesn't make you cool. Oh, it does if you can get all the returns in and nobody has to see the manager. Then, yeah, that's power. I'm sorry. So we started the night off at Shintaro celebrating. 36 years, a friend of the show, Decatur Dan. And it was a pretty tame affair, all in all. Maybe for you. Shintaro, Hollywood Sushi. Friend of the show, BJ Novak's favorite local sushi watering hole. We'll get into that when he comes on the pod, don't worry. That's a little Novak dog whistle. A little teasy. But I was drinking a martini and washing it down with Kirin Ichiban. Not turning up. You know, mixing in with some sake shots as well, of course. Ordering a martini at a sushi restaurant, as much as I love Shintaro, was not the move. It was served with a lime wedge on the rim. Like I got a Shirley Temple. I think that's kind of cool. I just think that they're like all vodka drinks come with a lime. That's how we do it. It's only cool because it was unintentional. Like if some dime square spot started doing that. I'd be like, it's not Authentico. But yeah, it wasn't very good. Didn't stop you from finishing it, though, I don't think, if I remember correctly. I found a way. I found a way to get her done. Really kind of just sucked it up and powered through, and I think that's beautiful. Nowadays, if the drink is too sweet, then I will just be like, no, I'm done. I'm wrapping it up. But if I bought a martini and it's... just you know it's not great i'm gonna i'm gonna see the bottom of it who are we fooling right we're always trying to hit the bottom you know what i'm saying yeah hit the bottom of a pussy hole you know that remember that song chris i don't remember that song what little wayne verse is that i don't i'm trying to remember i think it was i think it was a uk artist who did it oh no no that was actually cameron you know what a pussy hole is chris pussy hole i yeah it's cameron 2009

Off the album Crime Pays, it's called Bottom of the Pussy. I'm so shocked at the kind of artistic flair he added to the title of the song. That's great. Could you imagine what the song's about? I could not. I never want to hear you say that or him say that ever again. Well, the word y'all and wall rhymes. That is nice. Just to let you know. As a southern guy, you think I didn't know that? I mean, that's a little presumptuous on your part. So you finished your martinis. I dropped you off at this party. It was a bunch of mean gay guys not offering you drugs, so you couldn't kind of keep the mood. It wasn't mean, but it was a little like it. So right when you dropped us off, it was a little hard to find the property, and there were two people that got out of a car that had parked. It was one girl. I see where this is going. You know when people go to a party? It could happen in L.A. or New York, but it's like. I'm just going to wear like random sweatpants and flip flops. Yeah. They looked insane. They looked like I'm trying to look as bad as possible. Like I'm going to Walmart to get some cold cuts. Yeah. But that's like, it's a, it's a real thing that happens of just like, and it has the energy of like, I'm going to hold my keys the whole time while I'm at a party because like I'm super busy. At like 1143 on a Friday night, like the only thing. Hold on, hold on. So you don't mean like I'm a photographer's assistant or a digital tech and I have my keys to like carabiner on the front of my car to my dickies. You're saying I'm wearing ratty champion shorts and there's no pockets. I have to hold them in my hand. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, it could be that. But it's a little like lanyard energy. But instead of lanyard around the neck, I'm just going to like I'm holding my phone. my keys my wallet with a bunch of like weird like petco receipts hanging out of it and like i'm just so like oh i'm just so kind of bopping around and mixy and miffy and you know uh and the guy was you know when when every when every gay guy was wearing like a rayon button-up shirt that had like tribal you know on it like trying to look like uh like kawasaki graphics or whatever

There's that going on. And we were like, hey, are you guys going to the blah, blah, blah party? Like, we can't seem to find it. And they're like, no. Yeah, okay. We go into the party. We find it. No, dude. No, dude. 90 seconds later, we're in the kitchen with the person whose birthday it was, you know, the guest of honor. We're having a giggle. We're laughing it up. And then in walk these two stinky heifers. And I'm like, oh, hey, guys. And they pretended like they didn't know us and that none of that ever happened. That was less than 10 minutes before this interaction. Oh, no, I said literally 90 seconds. Oh, my God. Fuck those losers. That, like, actually is insane. I mean, it's not a big deal. I don't actually care. I wasn't put out, but it was good to catch them. We're in the middle of nowhere. Like, we're not lying to get into some fucking lame house party. We're in the Hollywood Hills. The only people walking around are coyotes. And people scalping tickets for kinky boots over at the bowl. Yeah, and these two that look like they work Ralph's overnight stocking fucking Starbucks pre-made drinks. Fuck those. I'm mad about this. My girlfriend is wearing a Bottega dress, and we're all clearly going to the gay house party. That's like four seconds. We can all hear music playing. You can hear the music. We can hear the Dorian Electra remix. playing we're all clearly going to the gay party and they're like no Don't know her. I mean, that's like... I don't know. Is it a straight hate vibe? Is it just pure laziness? I would have... I think they didn't want to use their brain. I'm lying, because I wouldn't do this, but you would. I'm surprised you didn't do some sort of sly TJ-style confrontation. I did, but they were unresponsive. I did a well, well, well, looky who... Yeah, I know, I know, but you... Like, I would have gone in separately, found him waiting in line for the bathroom, and then really get I just think you could have pushed a little harder, but I understand why you didn't. You know what I mean? Thank you. I'm sorry that that happened to you. I'm sorry that the party was bad. No, it's fine. It worked out really well because...

She was like, let's go. And then she gave me the fake tour of the house, which then culminated at the front door. Oh, that's nice. That's a pro. It was a good, it was a great move. Great move. We were home. We had a great conversation with the Lyft driver. He let me know that he has $5 billion worth of Shiba coin, I think. Yeah, I'm out on that. Well, I told you. But he said, like, if what I, if. I think it was Shiba or Doja. It was one of those. But he's like, bro, if it even goes up to 50 cents per coin. i'll i'll be a billionaire yeah man i'm sure i'm sure what kind of car was it but for now he's focusing on his lift what kind of car was it it was it was it was a it was a five series bmw a new one it was a nice car okay so maybe he maybe he does like i mean i'm sure he lives with his parents and i'm sure that they kind of yeah you know the car was maybe his dad's first no no no he he's a he's a used car salesman uh pre-covid but he had to close down his business because you know the the used car market is fucked up right now but he's like he used to have a g-wagon oh he's like g-wagon i had to get rid of it in like five months biggest piece of shit car he's like there's no difference between a jeep wrangler and a g-wagon except for the price tag bro worst mileage always breaking down it's always fucked up he's clearly not trying to fuck chicks who respect street wear So that's why it kind of wasn't panning out for him. So you go ahead and pull up in that Wrangler and see how that does for you at the fucking Pleasures Paris after party. I don't think you're going home with any tail, Chief. It's true. It's true. And he knows it. I know it. But, you know, the recession, these are the sacrifices that we have to make when times get tough, Chris. Well, I told you a little bit about the conversation I had with my cab driver in beautiful, fabulous Las Vegas on Friday night. Because you would never lift. You always got to... cab in vegas i kind of agree with that it's just too much it's like the the it's a friday night at 10 30 it's like such a shit show it's like there's a line of cabs like you're at jfk it's just much easier but i i you know we're talking to this guy and he's talking about partying i'm like i actually don't party and he was like oh me neither

So we start talking about being sober, blah, blah, blah. He turns around and looks at me because I say that I'm about to be 40. And he's like, oh, I'm 42. And he turns around and looks at me. Be careful. He might be listening. He looks like he had old person makeup on, kind of. He looks like Johnny Knoxville in Jackass. Yeah, exactly. He looked old in this way that I was like, bro, you're 42. How are we this close in age? He's missing a few teeth. But then he started to tell me some stories, and I understood quickly why he kind of looked a little worse for the wearer. It wasn't because he used to, like, skate vert in the 80s. No, exactly. No, exactly. His knees are probably fine. But he told me this story about how him and his friends were partying, and they needed some music. So he kind of threw the doors open on his whip. So they're kind of like tailgating, parking lot party kind of vibe. It was a Henderson kickback. It was a kickback by the car, and they're like, we need some tunes. Hey, my car has tunes. Let's open the doors and blast. We need some tunes. This is probably 15 years ago or whatever. Before the JBL Beats pill was invented. So he turns up to Alan Jackson. You know what I mean? Him and his boys are drinking some brewskis, smoking some weed. And he's like, so I'm twisted, and I look. I'm dancing. I look over, and I see somebody in the driver's seat of my car. So I jump and they start to, you know, move the car. So I jump on the hood, you know, trying to stop them. Like how they do in the movies. Exactly. Yeah, this is Rush Hour 2. They speed off. He hangs on and then is thrown from the car at 65 miles an hour and is pronounced dead on the scene. Right, right, right. They take him DOA to the hospital. He's in a coma for like two months, wakes up. He finds out. He finds out. and his car was stolen by a 12-year-old. And this 12-year-old, this 12-year-old, he's like, yeah, bro, so I got a million-dollar hospital bill, and this bitch got out of jail in six months because she was 12. So this guy died. So this guy does have to, like, he's responsible for, like... No, no. Okay.

He was like, I called these people and I was like, I ain't paying for this. I ain't got a million dollars. This is not my fault. A 12-year-old killed me. I died. Like a 12-year-old threw me off of a moving car. But that's kind of the problem. It's like someone's got to pay for it. Obviously, if this guy is like... His activity kind of has the vibe of like, I'm probably not going to pay for this hospital bill, but is the kid's family going to do it? I'm sure when you're 12, it's hard to get car insurance when you're 12. I don't know how strong her policy was. An interesting twist is that he was like, yeah. And then, you know, like one of my friends was like a pizza delivery guy and he figured out where the family lived. and went over there with a pizza, knocked on the door, and they're like, here we go, blah, blah, blah. Oh, and his XYZ home? And he said that, bro, he just heard doors slam, and the family was gone the next day. No. Yeah, they moved because they thought somebody was going to kill them. They took all their stuff in the middle of the night, broke the lease, and moved. And honestly, this story sounds pretty fantastic, but when you're thinking about it, henderson nevada nevada in the late 90s early 2000s this is all beyond plausible yeah yeah and it's also like when i saw this guy when this guy turned i looked at me i was like oh this guy's lived much more life than i have in a bad way you know what i mean it kind of all tracked yeah in the knowing look that one person gives to another person to let them know i've been legally dead Not once, but multiple times in my life. The medical system has pronounced me dead. That's right. It's different. But yeah, so Vegas, that was maybe the highlight of my 12 hours in Las Vegas. Okay, so Morrissey wasn't that good then? No, Morrissey, honestly, dude, Morrissey was really, really great. I couldn't believe how he sounded. I want to find out what he's doing for his voice. He played half a person.

For me? Oh, baby. You should have seen me swaying in the crowd. I was getting some looks from some other fans. What kind of looks? Like, I like his moves, or we got to keep an eye on him? I think it was a... is he drunk and I like his moves. I think there's probably a little bit. They didn't want me to fall over. You know what I mean? Maybe hurt them or myself. I want to know. So he does a good job. Morrissey's got his swing back, old blue eyes. He's grooving once again. What's the scene report on the crowd? I want to know what the demographic is looking like. Any surprises? I would say the number one identifying characteristic of the crowd is overweight. Really? Yeah, so it's very strange. So I'm sitting there because I got there pretty early, of course, as you can imagine, after my 6.30 p.m. solo dinner at Mr. Chow at Caesars, which is also – I'm absolutely demented for that one, but it's kind of funny. There's some 55-year-old queen listening to this right now and just, oh, that's a 6.30 at Chow solo. Well, thank God. Thank God it's the NBA Summer League is in town in Vegas right now. So is me and some of the ballers that did not recognize kind of getting it in early. oh okay there was like a so i'm sitting next to first of all i believe i was sitting next to a father daughter which was very cool okay a guy comes in it was like a he couldn't walk because he had like gout like the guy was 100 pounds overweight 65 years old like regular ass like look like wearing a white boston red socks hat backwards like like look like he lived on a boat kind of vibe like really normal ass like grandpappy okay so he's not giving standard issue smiths fan at all no he's not he's not so he sits down i'm like is this guy like lost or is it like is he is he like i want to see a show while i'm in vegas i'll just go to this one kind of vibe bro bro this guy this guy morrissey comes on this guy stands the fuck up knows every word to every song like bar for bar and i was like this is the coolest thing i've ever seen like this is truly

I was really psyched to see that. So this was a guy who looks like he greets people at Walmart. 100%. And he was in there. He's got the peonies swaying. He's singing every lyric. He was loving it. And he had to take some breaks and sit down because obviously there's some duds in the set, but also I think his knees were kind of given out. Sure. But the enthusiasm that I saw from that man gives me hope is that I want to be rich enough to have gout. and also still kind of love music at that level. You know what I mean? That was my main takeaway. Rich enough to have gout as if it's a disease that only really affects the ultra-wealthy. I think historically it was. Unfortunately, I think it's moved on to the middle class. It's a sign of abundance and wealth to be able to gorge oneself on pulled pork sliders enough to get... in medical condition. Yeah, you can't keep your head out of the pulled pork slider jar. I feel bad. My chick's dad, he's super healthy, goes swimming every morning, eats tons of fish and vegetables and juice and stuff like that, and he's got gout just for hereditary reasons. It's a bummer. Yeah, hereditary reasons. It sounds like he might have gotten it when he copped that new Porsche, but that's a different conversation. So yeah, overall... I would say I was a successful trip. Did you find what being, I've never, I don't know if I've, no, I have been. I've been alone in Vegas a few times just to DJ. But I've never been there just like straight up, no agenda, not there for work. I mean, ironically, agenda, the trade show as well. Well, I was wondering if it would be some type of trigger or I think it would either be. likely like a an anti-trigger for you like it would help solidify your your sobriety just seeing you know the swamp people that yeah that wander around las vegas nowadays oh this is huge for me personally this episode of how i'm gone is brought to you by task rabbit oh baby let me tell you something this is this is not a joke i use task rabbit a lot

Because I can't do anything. You need some art hung? TaskRabbit. You need something put together? A cabinet? Got to reach that cheese grater on the top shelf? TaskRabbit. Anything you need, TaskRabbit can take care of it for you. How it works, TaskRabbit connects you with skilled taskers in your area. They can help you move. They can assemble furniture, repairs, yard work, mounting, and more. You can search for a tasker based on cost, skill set, availability, and past client reviews so you know exactly who's showing up and can have confidence that they know what they're doing because taskers have assembled over 3.4 million pieces of furniture, completed 700,000 home repairs. handled 1.5 million moves, and the numbers are just going up, Jason. Yeah, throw a little money at the problem. It's not so expensive, and that job that you really don't want to do is something that another person out in the world is very good at doing and would gladly do it in exchange for a little bit of money. So when life happens, your to-do list grows. Get ahead of it now and get $15 off your first task at TaskRabbit.com or grab the TaskRabbit app. using promo code HOWLONG. Taskers book up faster, especially for same-day tasks. So book Trusted Home Help today. That is $15 off your first task using promo code HOWLONG with the TaskRabbit app or at TaskRabbit.com. All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Quince. Jason, the temps are warming up. It's getting hot out there. Summer always changes how I get dressed. I need pieces that feel lighter, more breathable. And they're just easy but still put together. I don't want to look like a slob. That's why I keep coming back to Quince. They focus on high-quality essentials that feel and look amazing. Breathable linen and soft organic cottons. Well-made basics but without the luxury markups. That rare balance where everything feels elevated. but still effortless. Yeah, Chris, linen season is here. I wore a linen blazer to dinner a few nights ago in the warm California sun. But, you know, you got that Italy trip coming up this summer and quality European linen pants and shirts.

Upgrade that look starting at just $34. You know, if you get a nice linen suit, a little t-shirt underneath it, some chill shoes, you're looking good, but you're staying cool. The inside of your special areas are nice and dry as you turn up with your besties. So elevate that summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash how long for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns, even on a nice holiday now available in Canada. That is Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash how long. That'll get you free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince punto com slash how long. This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by a new podcast from The Guardian stateside with Kai and Carter. This is covering a lot of our bases, Jason. It's trying to slow down. the news and wrestle with the questions we all have about what's happening in the world and i know you particularly have quite a lot of questions a lot of questions but how often because we do this podcast three times a week and that's a sweet spot how many times do they do three times a week and i i have a feeling just based on the platform and these talking points that they're maybe going to be covering different stuff than we do that's just a guess the guardian is not some billionaire owned They're not afraid to say what they want to say, brother. Yeah, Rupert ain't sniffing around in what journalists Kai Wright and Carter Sherman are up to over there at Stateside. But yeah, listen wherever you get your podcast. You can watch it on YouTube. It's three times a week. And who couldn't use more news? Especially when it's not from here, let's say. Give it a listen. Give it a listen. That's not my kind of trigger, but I don't know. That's not an environment I ever liked to party in. It was just like, I'm here. I'm going to party anyway. You know what I mean? It doesn't really bring me that. I didn't see sloppy drunk people. You know what I mean? I wasn't seeing a lot of... I don't know. I think people really do go there to gamble in a way that is like...

I guess I think of it as a party city, too, but I think it's really a gambling. That's what people are really there for. I need to do something that I can't do at home. Yes. I get drunk every single night at home because my family is bad. that's that's easy but it's it is nice to be able to do it for free as long as you're playing nickel slots but i feel like it's like i'm here to i think i think it's prostitution yeah it gets a lot of action over there as well people are drinking but i just mean like the bachelorette party vibe i think has moved to like austin and nashville like people having to get carried out and dragged out by their hair type exactly and i mean also maybe i wasn't I mean, I will say when I was leaving Morrissey, you know, there's obviously like a mega club at Caesars. And the amount of different, like, tiered price lines they had was truly like a maze that a genius could not figure out. There was 15 different lines. Yeah, so it's like your Southwest flight over there. I don't want to talk about that. Yeah, I know. If you pay me $20, I'll edit that out. So there's different tiers of here's just general admission, general admission, plus a bottle service. Oh, you want a table? It costs this much. Are you in a wheelchair? Go to this line. Yeah, my favorite line. Are you a six or a below? Yes. He's a 10, but he pays for bottle service. I wanted to send you a picture of the... promoters guest list line because i feel like that's i feel like that's something maybe you could relate to as a promoter with a guest list historically this happened to me this exact same shit happened to me when i was in vegas and we went to go see diplo at whatever fucking place and there was so many lines and you have to be like i'm going to like the guest list line and then they're like we're all on the guest list buddy like this is all guest list i'm like but no like diplo yeah is like told me himself yeah like go to this line and see this guy and he's like nah yeah yeah they're just like yeah go to that line which is like four football fields away go over there and then they'll be like oh you're on like the artist guest list oh we'll walk back to this football stadium of course it's fucking bullshit what a freaky place but i'm looking to come back because van morrison's playing at the same venue baby

So it's looking good for me over in Vegas. Van Morrison. Go see the fucking Killers or something, bro. Go see a real Vegas band where it's going to knock your dick off. You can have fun. Van Morrison's one of the greatest live performers. It's insane how good he is. I mean, he's playing. Yeah, but does he knock your dick off? I don't know, man. The Killers are too big. They would just be playing in an arena that could see them anywhere. You know what I mean? Because you used to hate Las Vegas with a passion, right? I mean, I still don't. I just think that I know what I'm there for, and I know it's got a beginning and an end, and I don't have to deal with any bullshit, really, so it's not that bad. I don't know, man. The airport's close to the hotel. It's just not that bad. I mean, the people are disgusting, but, I mean, whatever. Like, people are disgusting in fucking L.A., you know? It's true. It's true. Vegas is finally coming around. We need to talk about another member of the music community that I'm a little bit concerned with, somebody that we're big fans of on this show, and we're hoping to have him on as a guest one day, but he's going through some kind of mental health stuff. Ryan Adams? Shawn Mendes. I saw this in the news. He's battling some mental health issues, and he's going to take a little time off, which is fine. I mean, look. Actually, it's funny. Tim Dillon talked about this on his episode today, which I was really surprised about. Why? Both of you guys want to fuck him. That's a good point. I get why you guys would talk about him all. He's like, you're 23 years old and you're worth $40 million? Just quit. Like, just quit. If it's that bad, just quit. You're good. No, no, no. It's a fair argument. But it's true that I think this is why normal people have such a hatred for celebrities. Because it's like, you are so rich. and touring is difficult, but obviously a regular person who spent $200 to see Shawn Mendes does not understand that or care because their life is actually hard. Yeah, I think the people who have the actual hard lives, they know that Shawn Mendes' life is very hard, and I'm sure these people who work at the Pretzel Factory who are like, must be nice, I wish I had $40 million in the chiseled abs and I got to fuck Kyager.

They know that they wouldn't be able to hack it on the road at all. There's no way they have it in them. They just want to have the option to be offered that. But they're jealous that they're never going to do that. It's bad because it really is hard. It ruins your brain. You are chewed up by an entertainment industry and you are lifeless. body that's just okay yeah lifeless i'll take my 100 million and be lifeless then that's me that's my personal take i know well the problem it would be great if it were so easy that you can just be like all right i'm gonna make music from when i'm like 16 to 23 you know put in you know five six years sell a bunch of records tour a bunch make 40 million dollars invest it into a Roth IRA and then enjoy my retirement and, you know, tend to the garden and red jet skis with DJ Khaled or whatever. Like, but your label, your management, all those people are depending on you to make millions of dollars for decades, ideally. So you are going to be pressured and pushed into doing that. I mean, pressured and pushed is also like this, bro, you started on Vine. Okay. Like this is where we're at. You started on Vine and this is where we're at. I mean, it's a little bit like, If you want to release music and not tour, then be a songwriter. Because this is also where you make the most money. That's the other thing. Which I'm sure, again, if you're 23 and have 40 million, you don't really care about money right now. But wait until you spend it all and then we're going to be feeling a little different. Yeah. But since the music industry, just like movies and every other thing, books, it's a numbers game where you release 100 albums. One of them makes money and 99 of them lose money. So it's rare that you get somebody who's a real bona fide star and you do everything in your power. There's probably employees at record labels and management companies and agencies that are just like loss prevention. Like your job is to make sure that these people stay making money. That's the manager, bro. That's the manager's only job is to make sure that Shawn Mendes' mental health is in a place where he can go make money. I know, but if I'm Shawn Mendes' manager...

And you're Shawn Mendes and you're like, TJ, I'm out. I'm going to quit. And then I'm the manager and I'm going to be like, I got like a mortgage and kids. Like I was hitching my wagon to your thoroughbred. and I was planning on making a lot of, are you just going to be like, all right, cool, we're all done here? No, I would get Shawn Mendes on the stage. That's why I should have the job that this bozo has right now. But then are you working for Shawn Mendes or are you working for William Morris and RCA Interscope? No, I'm working for both of them because it's better for him to tour too. It's also like he said he talked to medical professionals. I'm like, bro, if you're a celebrity and you're paying a medical professional, I don't trust that they're not giving you maybe a little bit of what you want to hear. You know what I mean? I'm just guessing. I'm just guessing a little bit. A medical professional, is that different than, like, seeing a shrink? No. I think he's saying I used the text message service from BetterHelp, and he told me, don't tour. You're fragile. So I can't do it. No, I mean, like, I see both sides, but I also think it's like I just don't understand what these people think they signed up for. I just don't understand. You work this hard to do this thing, and as soon as you get the thing, you're like, oh, I don't want to do this anymore, which is, I mean, obviously that's your right to do that, but you have to understand there's going to be a little pushback from the people that have spent $200 to come see you. But I think that, and Tim said this, which is interesting. you know his sean mendes fans like care about him right you know if we cancel a show like fuck you losers fucking you but you know it's like that's what happens to a lot of people but i think when you get to this level the fans like actually care about how you're doing which is even more depressing that means you've created a good positive fandom i guess if they if they give you the space to take time off i mean i agree like what you you know what you're signing up for and it sounds if you're like a 15 year old

and you're looking at all these rock stars on stage like this looks like a dream come true life and they don't tell you like you're gonna do 578 shows in two years you won't see your friends and family for two years you're gonna be like you know driven to the brink of exhaustion many times a week at a certain point you're like i don't want this anymore i mean it's not worth it but what what is not worth it what else is there in life that's what i don't understand like what's worth it you want to go he doesn't even have a chick Him and Kamiya broke up. What do you want to do, hang out with your sister? That's loser shit. Get out there and let's do some earning. You know what I mean? No, I do know what you mean, but the road fucks you up, man. The press, the media, it's really, really difficult. And you have to be, you have to, it's like, people always say, oh, it's not for everyone. you know only the strong survive it's a chosen few but it's a real fine line between having like mental fortitude and strength and perseverance versus like i am uh rolling over and letting you like me like my life and my brain like i am i am willingly damaging myself Physically and mentally. There's just a price. There's a price on that. His physical looks pretty good to me. I'll say that. But the insides. No, but there's a price on it, bro. For $100 million, I'll have a rough five years. I'll literally have a rough five years. I think most people would do that. Of course. But you're never given that ultimatum. You're never given that red pill, blue pill. It's like you might get... $1 million by working your entire, you know. It's a bummer because as soon as anybody sets up a boundary like that, you're just instantly called a pussy and an ungrateful little, you know, blah, blah, blah. And you become a punching bag for the world who is, you know, down on themselves. And you have a shitty life and a shitty job. And I wish my life was as hard as Shawn Mendes is because...

it looks pretty good to me well jason being i mean being famous and you know keeping your sexuality a secret is hard so i think that's maybe taking taking a toll that's been the that's been the toughest thing to keep under his hat yeah i think so he doesn't wear hats his hair is too beautiful um we also we were able to luckily before we recorded this podcast today catch the wimbledon final where um Curios did lose, but he put up a pretty good, it was pretty fun to watch. It wasn't a blowout by any means, which is nice. No, it was fun to watch. I liked the two different styles of one person who's just like, I'm rock solid. I got a game plan. I'm sticking to it. It's done well so far versus, you know, wild card, trick shot, crazy mental game, you know, blah, blah, blah. It was good to see both of those styles. Represented. Yeah, square off. And, you know, that's a problem with Joker. Everyone hates him, but he's just like, hey, man, I'm just. Or just kind of quietly win every match ever? Yeah, I mean, I... There's no, like, secret to my success. I just, like... Well, there's a lot of secrets to success, Jason. His gluten-free diet. He's sleeping in a hyperbolic chamber. Obviously not getting vaccinated and polluting his body. There's many. There's no... No, but I was talking to Jake about it last night, and it's interesting because a handful of very important players were banned because they didn't let Russians play, which makes no sense. And some people change nationalities in order to play. Yes, Jake told me this, and I believe him. I just wonder if it's true. It's like, if Kyrgios would have won this, I think his haters would have always been like, well... He didn't have to play Rafa. He got semifinals off. Also, XYZ wasn't in the tournament. So he won, but there's an asterisk by it. There's always going to be a but with him. But Jake was like, bro, if you win a major, you win a fucking major. I don't give a shit. But the real fun of this has been listening to John McEnroe. sanctimoniously shit on him for the way that he disrespects the game when he literally invented that behavior. That's OG right there. That's unk. That's unk. I don't understand. I also understand how his fellow broadcasters aren't like, really, bitch? Like, this guy, it's crazy. Like, he's literally, he was getting so on his high horse about it. Meanwhile, everybody else is wearing a tie and McEnroe's got an open collar on. He's wearing a chain. McEnroe, he's a little bit older, a little set in his ways.

and he's maybe like, I'm the same way as him, but I don't like this person's style. I don't like seeing a hip-hoppy, tatted-up guy yelling at the line judge. I want a clean-cut headband-wearing guy yelling at the line judge. My other final Wimbledon question is, when's Rafa shaving the head? What do you think, Jason? How many bald tennis players are there? It's a problem because... He looks crazy, dude. He looks crazy. He looks like... I mean, he's got Donald Trump hair now, you know? But it's like when you're that buff and that rich and that talented, like that does not matter, chief. Like it does not matter. Okay, let me put it in terms that you might understand better. His whole life and his whole career, he's had like a cute little bob, you know? Like he's had kind of long hair. Yeah, definitely, definitely. And that's sort of been his crutch, his source of sexuality, his Italian, I mean, sorry, his European flavor. It's all derived from that. And then one day your gift is taken away from you by the big man upstairs. And, you know, like Gavin from Bush. Same kind of vibe. Like his hair is a big part of his sexiness. Could you imagine him shaving his head like Vin Deese? Nightmare. Yeah, but Rocker. But the other option is having Donald Trump hair where it's just like some flyaways. Rocker. Rocker. Bird's nest. Rocker long hair is very different between an athlete long hair. And I think that athletes, the aerodynamic vibe that a shaved head gives you works in their favor, I think, more than a rocker. When a guy in a band wears a hat on stage, I'm like, nah, bro. You can't wear hats while you're rocking. That's just crazy. Come on. What about a top hat? No, hell no. I don't want to see any hats on a stage. Bro, you listen to the Black Crows. They've never not worn hats on stage. I don't like it. I mean, the songs are too good. I have to forgive. But it's like, can you imagine a guy? You don't want the singer of your favorite band to get on stage with a dad hat on from his favorite local coffee shop? That's crazy. What about like a rock star trucker? Energy drink.

To me, the Rafa hair, he's so bald now, and he's covering it up, and you can only wear a bandana. August, he had the same problem. But that's the thing. He's not covering it up. The bandana covers his fucking forehead. To cover it up, he would need to wear a hat or a yarmulke. If you're going to cover it up, wear the full hat. It's obviously an allegory and a parallel with your... childhood, your career ending, and now you're entering retirement. It's a very symbolic shaving of the head. The game is over, and that's a hard thing to give up when that's your whole life. Those professional tennis players, it's just like you start playing at two years old, and that's all you do. You eat, breathe, think everything is just tennis, and then when it's done, you're like, what do I have to live for? It's like Shawn Mendes. Once again, you have money to live for. What do people not understand? I don't understand. Yeah, but they've had money their whole lives. They've never been like, oh, let me see how much I have in my checking account to see if I can cover this. It's just like they don't even do transactions. They just wake up and then things just show up in their hotel room and they don't know how it got there. And that's how it will always be. So they're not like, oh, what am I going to do with this money? I guess I can buy a cool car and drive it around. No, of course, of course. They need something more. They're going to do philanthropic work. They're going to teach the tennis academy. Do all of that. You don't need hair for that is my point. I'm the same as you. I would love to just make a bunch of money every single day until I die. I just wake up and do the exact same thing that I do. you know make a nice dinner and have some wine and watch tv but everything else will be nicer i mean that's that's all and i will be able to do that every single day i mean just lay on the couch read a book also these guys bodies are destroyed i think he'll be back i don't think he's done yet but i do think you're right it might be it might be a bigger lift than we realized just based on the other stuff oh yeah

If this was like a tennis movie where we had to learn something and have sympathy and compassion for an older gentleman. Older gentleman. That would be going on. We're older than he is. I know. Isn't that the most fucked up part about all of that? Like five years. Maybe more. Speaking of illegal, we just had our 4th of July celebrations. And I noticed something this year. a lack of fireworks going off in town. And from the nice suburban neighborhoods to Echo Park, all over town, I think the amount of fireworks going off. This is a trend report. Dan Fromer, hopefully you're listening right now. You can make a graph about fireworks sales this year. But I was trying to figure out why, and I think a lot of it has to do with dog ownership. God damn it. So the fucking dogs have ruined the great tradition of fireworks because doggies get too scared. Well, I think during COVID, everyone got a dog, and now everyone in the world owns a dog, and everyone sees their dog having a panic attack in the closet when an M80 goes off. So everyone is empathetic to... to the doggies that are that are having so much trauma that makes that makes me want to spend ten thousand dollars on a fireworks display for memorial day just to upset all the dog owners in my neighborhood it's weird it's like a thing that i've known you're right though you're right how we talked about like in our childhood we went from seeing people not pick up dog shit to now carrying around you know like hot famous celebs are carrying around bags of dog shit and the same thing with this like Everyone used to just be like, oh, it's 4th of July. I'm going to go to my cousin's house, get blacked out drunk, light our fireworks, and then come home. And now it's like, oh, we all have to stay at home to cradle our dog and give him de-stress pets. We're going to have some gluten-free buns and Beyond Burgers while Astro takes a nap in his Hastings bed.

We can't celebrate for the job anyway. Frankly, America doesn't deserve it, so we might as well make sure our dog feels good. People say who rescued who, who's walking who type of thing. Of course, of course. People will say all the time, we haven't domesticated dogs. Dogs have domesticated us. I haven't seen that one. So stupid. You'll see these memes where it's a picture of a golden retriever. like eating a chew toy on a hasten's bed, like you said, you know, with like ice cubes in their water bowl and, you know, little, and it'll say like, if this were a hundred years ago, you would have to fight for every single meal that you ate. And it's, you know, and it's a dog getting its like nails done or something like that. So like in, in just a hundred years, a dog has gone from like living in the woods. Having to fight tooth and nail to catch a squirrel that might be your only meal for the week. To ruining American traditions. Now, human beings will go to a store and buy hundreds of dollars worth of food for you, give you water, do all of your medical bills, all of your checkups, will bathe you. Sounds like a damn fly-in. Sounds like a sex worker to me. They've literally ruined... I mean, that mixed with politics and things going on in the world, but dogs have single-handedly changed Fourth of July forever. This is a great thing that you've said. This reminds me of a new thing that I'm doing to kind of create joy in my life, Jason. Dog owners, maybe you don't suffer from this. I don't know. I think you kind of keep some of your dog ownership stuff to yourself on this podcast, and I respect that. I'm a gentleman. But when a dog approaches me, I don't engage at all. And I keep walking. I don't smile at the owner. I don't lean down and pet. I just keep walking. And I know that every dog owner is just looking for me to come over and grin and pet a little bit. And I will never give in to these fucking losers. And it makes me feel, I get truly high. I'm vibrating.

At how good it feels. When I'm in a grocery store and a dog comes to sniff my loafers and I don't bend down, I don't acknowledge, I just absolutely keep moving. It's exactly what the dog under is the problem in this world. That's not what they want. They want acknowledgement. That's why they have dogs. They want people to pay attention to them. If you bring your dog in public, you're absolutely begging for attention. Get it, begging for it. It's a little begging strips joke. Walking the dog is fine. Walking the dog is a necessity. What I'm picturing, yeah, I mean, this happened to me literally yesterday. I was at Erewhon. My safe space, my sanctuary. I'm getting my Haley Bieber, you know, like everyone else there. And this woman walks in with just like an 80-pound pit bull with one of those like spiked choked collars on it. That would only happen on the east side. It's okay. I guess if you need to bring your dog with you because, you know, you have that much pain in your life or whatever. But like Saturday afternoon at Erewhon, I'm looking at $20 Harry's Berries. I don't need. a fucking killing machine brought in here. It's like when you're at Panera Bread and the guy's at the soup station with an AR-15 strapped around his neck and you're like, well, I'm just exercising my rats. I can bring this gun with me wherever I want. Do you really need this killing machine with you to go buy kelp noodles? No, dude. What if I had a kid who has been bitten and attacked by a dog and is severely traumatized by dogs killing them? And you're just like, oh, this is Petunia. She's super nice. We've talked about this. Dogs are one of the biggest problems in this country. You guys are focused on all this other stuff. Let me tell you something. That stuff's bad. Don't get me wrong. Dogs, worse. Roe v. Whatever is going on in the news. I don't know. Problems in Sri Lanka, but dogs. I saw a similar thing happen. A woman, you know, a fucking...

Fat woman with like giant lips and fillers with three kids and a dog wearing fucking Astroworld and Yeezys walks into the grocery store and the dog is going crazy, barking everywhere and shit. And I thought the employees were going to scold her. The employees went up to pet the fucking monster. I'm just like, what are we doing? Like, why? How does this? How does? Yeah. How does this? How did this become how we live? Well, it's because the dogs. Have domesticated us, Chris. No, you're right. The dogs own us now. And that's scary for us. And it has dark implications for the future. The loud, problematic dog walks into the grocery store and everyone clamoring over them. Clamoring. It's like when Kodak Black comes into your restaurant and he's definitely going to break shit and trash the bathroom. But all the people there are like... Oh, man, this is going to be awesome. It's true. Come on down, baby. It's true. I was imagining this nice scenario. It kind of reminded me of like a commercial for a pharmaceutical company. Like when you see like a television commercial for like a medication that you have to ask your doctor about. I'm imagining you walking down the sidewalk and the dog walker, you know, like this big golden retriever, which is that's a trending thing right now. Golden retriever. main character golden retriever thingy, whatever. Sure, I love that. So there's the beautiful person walking down the... Sienna Miller's got a golden retriever. Okay, don't do this. Jesus Christ. Sienna Miller's got a golden retriever. You're leaving Chinatown Market store. She's coming out of Alfred. And she's got... Brooklyn, my six-month-old golden retriever. His paws are so big, you can tell it's going to be so big when he gets older. And you walk past Sienna and Brooklyn. Brooklyn is coming off... Brooklyn's on the hind legs now. And Brooklyn sees Daddy Chris and can't wait to get his pup...

the arms around that leg uh-huh and just start giving you so much love ease yeah and then you say you you don't even look down at brooklyn no you keep you keep walking you keep your eyes on the prize and then kelly clarkson this is my fight song kicks in because you have invented this medication that no longer requires you to seek the love and adoration of of of a dog bro This is like a beta blocker. It's a Brooklyn blocker. You've blocked the need to do this, and this is your fight song. I've leveled up. This is my protest. I wish you losers could get on my level. We can ignore this shit. Oh, you want to put a cat in the mix, a cute bunny rabbit? I don't need any of that shit. I can look past all of it and see the real issues. You know what I mean? It's real issues. bigger problems in this world but in la i'm not sure if there are this is a this is truly feels like the la pandemic they've taken fire i mean the fireworks industry has to be taking a hit dan from i need another graph on this one yeah i mean this is crazy if i go down to the south where dogs are allowed to run wild, I bet the fireworks are still going off, Jason. I bet the fireworks are still going off. Yeah, where a dog is treated as it is. A dog, and it's not coddled like the baby that you're never going to have because you got a vasectomy. Yeah, my favorite part of Father's Day and Mother's Day is when people celebrate their fatherhood and motherhood of pets. Dog mom. I'm a dog mom, though. And speaking of vasectomy, shout out to Scott Campbell, the vasectomy king. I've had a few people send me messages like, yo, what's the name of that doctor that he was talking about in Santa Monica? Yeah, people are very interested in vasectomies. And then also shout out to a redacted listener who said, oh, I went on a date with Scott Campbell. He didn't mention a vasectomy. Very interesting. I mean, look, bro, don't blow up his spot like that. Let my man cook. No, Scott's fine. He's not going to listen to this. And if he is listening to this, he's going to get a big kick out of it. No, you're right. You're right. It is. It's all it's. Hey, baby, it's all good. It's all love. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that was that also reminded me. I was at the barbershop with my boys, of course, over at Victory Barber Co. I love I love I love that you.

Go to your Glendale toxic masculinity meeting once every two weeks where these guys kind of Mark Maron voice lock the doors. And then you guys get going on a little. It's one of the last places that men can be men. We need these safe spaces to be very toxic. You're having an IPA in the chair just doing some locker room talk with the fellows. But the locker room talks about like. Paramore and Morrissey. And that's what makes it cooler. It's about like bomb-ass green juice and then like, hey fool, are you going to see Motion City's soundtrack this weekend? Hey fool, are you going to the Motion City reunion? And we were telling all these old stories and stuff like that. someone was talking about this really great kind of catch-22 checkmate scenario as it applies to unprotected sex, you know, on the subject of vasectomies. And he was detailing a scenario where he was like, oh, I was with this girl who had a latex allergy, couldn't use latex condoms. Is this something that you've ever come across? I mean, we've heard of latex allergies, but I don't know. I've never come face-to-face with this. Well, guys usually say they can't wear a condom because it's too small. You know what I mean? It's actually constricting me. I'd be lying if I said I'd never use that one. And I'd be lying if every single person's face after I said that was not one of... Okay, okay, guys. Oh, shit. Okay, so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be like, bro, this condom has got too much of a gorilla grip so much. So the girl's like, oh, I have a latex allergy. And the guy's like, oh, no, that sucks. We can't wear a condom. But then she's like, so that's why I have these sheepskin condoms. I'm not allergic. So that's when you're like, oh.

You thought you were out of the woods, but now you're deep in the woods, and now you're literally going to kind of mold the flesh of a dead animal onto your penis. And then his response last minute, oh, I'm vegan, babe. So it's an absolute showdown of latex allergy versus I'm vegan, I can't wear sheepskin. And I think everybody wins because I'm guessing that the whole condom scenario just gets thrown out the window. Everybody wins, but I think it was a good dance because no one can ever come out of the gate like, hey, I don't want to wear a condom. Is that cool with you? Because then it'll be like, ooh, I don't know if I like that. You don't want to come off too promiscuous. So you do a little dance, and then you, of course, eventually settle on... Well, I'm clean. I'm vegan. If you are, I'm cool with this. If you're cool with this. I'm vegan is so good, dude. It's so funny. It's so funny. Because the jokes about how vegans always find a way to bring it up, what better example is you bringing it up in the heat of passion before intercourse? There's no other time where the word vegan should not be uttered. But in this instance, when there's a will, there's a way. How do you know? you're getting your back blown out by a vegan don't worry they'll tell you they'll tell you exactly yeah there was that does remind me there was a nice pita table set up at the morrissey show People for the ethical treatment of animals and not like a chip and hummus situation. Yeah, not the hummus brothers from the farmer's market. The Caesars Palace pita bread, it's so good. Bro, listen, actually, for this episode, can I pick the song that plays this out? If it's better than the song that I already had picked out, then yeah. We'll see. Okay, well, then Wonder by Shawn Mendes. I want people to know what a hit sounds like. All right, I'll do it for you. You had something picked out already. I didn't know you did that kind of pre-work, if I'm being honest. I usually don't, but sometimes when we're talking about something, it'll come to me, but I have a better idea. Okay, okay. Because I wanted to play a Kelly Clarkson fight song for some reason. Well, I mean, that's a great song. And I also wanted to play another song by Luke Bryant called Hunting, Fishing, and Loving Every Day. Oh, that's right. Those are both great. Because that was the anthem, get your damn hands up from my Palm Springs trip.

Just driving around in this old pickup truck. I'm in line at Cane's, and I'm hunting and fishing, and I'm loving every day with Jesus in my heart. I mean, dude, honestly, man, country music, as twisted as it is, they know how to write songs. It's something that a lot of these Doja cats could learn. A lot of these Doja cats could learn, and I think the best part about country music, very good profit margins compared to other genres. And let's not forget, looks don't matter. It's insane. If you're a pop star, looks are basically all that matters. It's true. In country music, if you're a singer and you've got a voice of honey and you're telling your manager, like, I don't want to go out there to that crowd. I'm so fat and ugly. And then the crowd's like. We're way fatter and uglier than you. Yeah, we love you. We love you. Honestly, it's kind of amazing. Like, I'll watch the Country Music Awards, and I'll be like, this is insane. It looks like it's just like whoever. You know what I mean? It just looks like whoever. And they get a guitar, and it's like, this guy's touched by God. It's insane. You're like, this guy who looks like he works at a mattress store just came up and... A voice of gold. Finger-picking? It's like if we truly, in this country, valued talent. That's what country music is. It places talent over everything, and that's why it feels so honest to me. Even though it can get really corny and there's all this dumb Jesus or whatever, but it's like they truly prioritize talent as number one, and you have to respect that. They became so talented that their looks... and waistband don't it don't matter didn't matter yeah diplo said it when he was talking about nashville he's like oh i'll come under with these rappers and they're just like you know their manager is carrying them like a baby and they go into the booth and they're reading their lyrics off their phone and it's just you know they got to do 50 takes and then a country musician's just like oh i play every single instrument dude um i can sing perfectly I could play the banjo, the ukulele, the tuba, and I also maintain a full-time bartending job while I do volunteer work. They're built different. Shout out to Luke. I think Luke's record did pretty well. I bet it did. I was watching the video. We should watch the video if you're listening to this right now. Hunting, fishing, loving every day.

It's a video that looks like his nephew shot it on an iPhone 5. The budget for this video was three six-packs and a couple full tanks of gas. It was definitely filmed by their nephew. And it has almost 300 million views. Well, my thing with that is the video, because I kind of want it to feel like... when the iPhone does the slideshow for you. With that song title, I feel like he could have just kind of strung a couple of those together. He could have done a screen recording of the iPhone slideshow. And he could have just been like, hunting fish and love it every day. I got that right here, guys. And then for the next song, which is, of course, a ballad about heartbreak, the inevitable slideshow of, like, here's all the photos of, we know you broke up with your ex 18 months ago. Yeah. Here's 75 photos of you guys kissing. This is a good idea for a music video, honestly. I agree. This is a good idea for a music video. All right, Chris. Well, thank you for potting. Everyone, thank you guys for listening. We hope you had a great weekend. We hope you had a great weekend. We're in the middle of the motherfucking summer, and we'll be back with more absolutely fantastic podcasts just next week. You don't have to wait that long. And everybody listening right now, look under your chairs. We have a small gift from you for having to listen to two months' worth of Nissan ads. Show our appreciation. Everyone gets some little sweet green cashew. Yeah, everybody gets a little cashew. And if you did buy a Nissan, let us know. We'll see if we can kind of get you like a special prize. Yeah, if you did buy a Nissan because of us, scan the receipt, send it over to me, and I'll give you a T-shirt. If you walked into the Nissan dealership and tried to audibly say a discount code to the car salesman and he didn't understand kind of what you meant. Gone 20 at checkout. I understand. I'm sorry that didn't work. We will reimburse you and make it worth your while because that's something we love to hear is kind of that groundswell. Actually, I have to go return a couple of things to The Real World. I'm going to try to audibly yell different discount codes at checkout to see if anything sticks. I don't know what their AI is like. I mean, they're a technology company first. You can tell by the e-com shots. All right, how long gone? I'm going to have to yell uppercase real. Is it uppercase?

Have a great week, guys. Later.